Will It Ever End?

When will it end? When will my life stop being paraded around like some sort of lab experiment gone bad? Will my name ever stop coming up at dinner conversation with people that are three states away? Will curiosity cease as to who I am dating, what I am doing, how much I am making, where I am going to go to school? When will it let up enough so that when I make a decision for my life I can feel confident in knowing it is what is best for me and it is not what everyone expects of me? What did I ever do to make people compare their lives to mine to measure their success? Will it ever stop hurting? Will it stop tearing me apart every time someone tells me that they heard inquiries about me? Will I ever be able to move, breathe, feel, love, enjoy without someone over my shoulder second guessing and trying to make more out of it than it is? Will the lies about me cease or will they continue? Will I ever feel like I have been accepted for me?

Tomorrow

Yesterday a mother rushed from her house to drop her kids off at day care before walking the streets of New York. Yesterday a son left with his mind on the business meetings scheduled that day. Yesterday a daughter began work after years of education that didn't come cheap. Yesterday a father began a new job intent on providing for his family. Yesterday a young man determined for a reconciliation with his wife as she hoped. Yesterday an ordinary man pulled on a uniform and became an extraordinary hero. Yesterday it took a moment and everything changed.

Yesterday a catastrophic tragedy occurred. Yesterday lives were lost. Yesterday fear settled in. Yesterday the unimaginable happened. Yesterday will give way to tomorrow.

Tomorrow we can determine to care for the children who won't see their mother again. Tomorrow we can achieve business in the honest fashion to respect the memory of the son. Tomorrow we can create a scholarship in tribute to the daughter who worked her way through school. Tomorrow we can reach out a helping hand to the family who lost their father. Tomorrow we can endeavor to not react in anger learning a lesson from the young couple. Tomorrow we can't erase the memories but we can learn from them. Tomorrow we can pray that yesterday won't happen again. Tomorrow we can thank God for our next breath. Tomorrow we can improve the quality of life. Tomorrow we can learn not to take time for granted. Tomorrow we can appreciate the sacrifices of yesterday. Tomorrow we will look back with pride at the unity that the country showed. Tomorrow we can appreciate the lessons learned yesterday that will change our outlook forever. Tomorrow gives us a new day with new beginnings.

The One

Hopelessness has set in. Am I ever going to find the "one" that everyone talks about? They say he is out there but where am I to find him? I am not sure how much more pain I can take. My heart has been broken and it's still sore. Every time the pieces are put back together there is a piece or two missing. Too much more of this and I will not have much left.

My mind is trying to make sense of the madness. It can't comprehend the motives behind hurtful words and harmful actions. Why would you purposefully hurt someone you claim to care for? Is loyalty such a foreign concept now? Is it possible for a dedicated relationship? Is there a man out there who would share the feeling that I have on loyalty? Is commitment really such a terrifying thought? Will relationships ever be more than just a way to pass time? Will it ever be more than an excuse to hop into bed?

As the hopelessness settles I become comfortable with the idea. Slowly my mind clears and I begin to see the world around me in a new light. People's roles are redefined.

All of the sudden you are standing there. You had supported me as I walked in misery. You were my rock to stand on as I began to sink into the grime of my pain. You have proven your loyalty and commitment time and time again. You waited patiently as I worked through my pain. You have secured your place in my life as the "one".

I Dreamt Last Night

I dreamt last night and woke up this morning scared that I had ruined my life. There are a million sayings about dreams, some are simple while others make no sense. "God made the stars that we might know how high our dreams may soar." Follow your dream, unless its the one where you are at school naked." "A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep." That last one is the one that this morning has me freaked out of my mind. I never imagined that a Disney cartoon would leave me breathless and wondering.

You see in my dream were people yet to meet, places yet to be seen, actions yet to be performed, desires yet to be fulfilled. I was walking along a busy street. It was a foreign street to me. There was a river that snaked its way along beside me. Cafes and shops lined the street. It looked like a street in Paris. People were not familiar until I ran into a face that seemed to be from the distant past. An ex-boyfriend who I had put out of my mind stood before me. We caught up on old times and the happenings of our now separate lives. The more he talked the more I wondered why I had broken up with him. Hours passed and it seemed like the years that we had been separated had never happened. He invited me to dinner to see his new place. I agreed and left excitement brewing of a fresh start.

A few hours later I stand outside his door. Hours of nervous excitement had caused my mind to wander. During my walk I envisioned candle light and his confession of undying love. I took a bath to ease the tensed muscles and memories of picnics, concerts, bike rides, basketball games came to mind. I raised my hand and knocked on his door. I fully expected to see him but was unprepared for the sight that met my eyes.

A gorgeous woman stood before me. Her green eyes sparkled as she greeted me like an old friend. She took my coat and ushered me in. She hurriedly explained that my ex was taking the dinner out of the oven since she could not do heavy lifting since she had entered the third trimester of a difficult pregnancy. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and offered my congratulations.

Dinner is a blur. I must have done a good job of hiding my feelings of shock and dismay because neither commented on it. The obvious love in his eyes for her and the adoration she showed him was blinding in a warm way. I left that night confused and scared. All of the sudden the finality of all my dreams with him were dashed and the truth hit me in the face. He was no longer mine.

I woke up from that dream scared and confused. When I broke up with him I knew it was for the best. Our lives were going in two separate directions. He was pursuing his music and I was working towards my goals in life. My heart was broken when I woke up that morning what if I had made the biggest mistake of my life? Did I easily throw away the one thing in life that I needed? Memories cloud my thinking. A weight has settled on my shoulders. The urgent to return to him gnaws at my good judgment.

What Have I Done

What have I done? Have I ruined it all? Is everything we've worked for demolished by one word or action? Is this the end of us? Has every moment been in vain? Are we through fighting against the odds? Was my one action enough to make you give up? Was that disappointment in your eyes directed at me? I am so sorry I never meant to hurt you. My heart is breaking knowing that I have torn to pieces. Has our relationship been destroyed beyond repair? Please is there any hope at all? I need to know if I stand a chance at happiness again. You are my world. Please tell me what I can do. I know my actions have been wrong and did not express my love. Will you ever believe in my love for you again? What have I done?

Paradise

He offered me the world. He said he would bottle joy and give it to me with his heart. My wish was his command like my own personal genie. I would want for nothing and my every need would be met.

Why then can't I accept his heart and the promises? It would be close to paradise wouldn't it? I mean what could be lacking? I would never need to lift a finger if I did not want to. These were not empty promises either so then what is the deal with my hesitation?

It would be one step down from paradise. It would not be a bad place but it would be lacking. There is so much more that I want.

I want a man whose eyes shine with his love for me. I want a man who supports my dreams. He would be loving and compassionate. His words would be laced with emotions for me. His actions sure signs that there were no others. Words will not be needed for us to communicate. His laughter will ring in my ears long after he is asleep. His cries will echo deep within my heart.

One step down from paradise might be here today. I would not need to work for it. It is here waiting for me to enter in and find my dwelling place. It would be comfortable and mine and all I need to do is accept the proposal.

I am sorry, I know this is cruel. I might be labeled a player or tease for this but I can not accept. It may be years before you understand or I find my paradise. I am willing to wait. I will hold out for the day when I am standing outside paradise because if I settle for second best than he would too.