Go With A Kiss

A sob escapes my throat as the door closes behind you. I throw myself on my bed and cry. I just let you walk out the door. My head aches and my tears show no sign of stopping. Eventually I doze into a fitful sleep where I am haunted my dreams of you. I have given you two years of my life and in one afternoon it is all gone. You decided you needed to explore a little. Some freedom would do us both some good I believe were the word you used. I hesitantly as the question that I dread the answer to, your answer will either extinguish every ember of hope or revive the dying fire. "Is this permanent?" Your eyes show the harsh truth that your words are trying to soften. I stand there like a stone, not moving not breathing. Your eyes are filled with a million emotions. Some of these emotions sting like a slap in the face while others beg for forgiveness. You apologize and turn to leave to let me grieve in silence. Your footsteps pause as I call your name softly. I kiss your cheek softly and mutter the words that heal your soul and destroy mine.

"Go with a kiss and remember I love you always."

A Life

The night ended as dawn began to cut through the darkness. A young woman pulled herself out of the arms that held her. She quietly pulled her clothes on before grabbing her jacket and keys and walking out the door. She got into her car beginning the 20 minute drive home. She always dreaded this drive and the memories that haunted her. She pressed her foot a little harder on the gas pedal hoping to cut even a few minutes off of this agonizing drive. It was to no avail as her mind brought her back to a time that she thought was best forgotten.

Months earlier this same drive had been made without any condemning thoughts only a sense of freedom. She loved him. They would be together forever she was certain. Her heart raced as memories of last night flooded her mind. Roses and candles had softened the masculine appeal of his room. One lone lamp dimly lit one corner of the room where wine glasses and soda made a startling contraction. The cd player crooned soft music. He had taken her hand and led her to the bed. A smile had graced her face as one hand left the steering wheel to touch the dainty necklace. Her hand then returned to the steering wheel as a bus slowed down in front of her. The children gaily ran onto the bus as she smiled at the sight. They paid no heed to the clouds that loomed overhead threatening to dampen the spirit of all who saw them. No the clouds were mocking her but she was in such a euphoric state that she paid no mind.

A few weeks later things did not look as bright as they had before. She was not feeling well and he was not as caring as he had promised he would be. A home pregnancy test revealed what she had known but denied.

She went to him scared and confused looking for love and support. She found anger and blame. Gone were the words of promise that he had made. Angry words left his mouth condemning her to deal with this on her own.

In desperation she made a decision. She had been told that it was not a life but cruel and unusual punishment for someone so young. She could be rid of this aggravation with a simple procedure and a small price.

Her heart stopped as she realized once again the gravity of what she had done. Her car was stopped behind a bus picking up a child. She willed it to move so she could escape her prison of thoughts and regret. Her eyes slowly slid over and took in the site that greeted her every time she drove home. A mother holding her young child cradled in her arms. Sobs escaped the young girl's body as she was hit with the realization that it had indeed been a life.

What I Can Never Say

Why can't you be awake when I gather the courage to voice how you make me feel? In the quiet of the night I find the strength as you sleep your arms around me like they have been many times before. I muster the strength to speak the reactions you cause in me yet I don't have the strength to wake you.

Should I wake you to tell you how my skin ignites into flames as your hands graze my body? Would you appreciate knowing that the kisses that follow soothe? Is it important for you to know that your tenderness makes me weak and your passion has me gasping for air?

I could try to explain how your love caresses me better than the expensive sheets we lay on. I could attempt to say how your lips on my neck mean more to me than any jewel you can afford to place there. I wish to convey how your heart beat next to mine captures paradise better than any vacation you could plan. I hope you know that cradled in your arms is where I feel safer and more loved than any where else I have ever been.

Your hands as they move over my body pamper and fulfill me in unfathomable ways. Your eyes as they lock on mine while you whisper to me create desire in me that only you can appease. Your skin on mine is delightful in its pain and healing in the same moment. Your soft touch as you explore leaves me feeling cherished. The sound of your breathing as you lay next to me composes a song unlike any other.

I am remain unmoving in your arms except for the fingers that play in your hair. You mumble as you dream and I know I will never wake you. I will spend the rest of my life showing you what you create in me.

The Sacrifice

A decision made by a young girl that did not quite understand all that it would entail. A knowledge of better things ahead. A clarification that this would indeed be the best way. A young mind naive, simple did not grasp the enormity of such a decision.

Years later a more mature mind battles with the decision. how could it be so bad? Was it really as wrong as they said? It must be all right if everyone else is partaking. How could everyone be wrong? Confusion sets in.

It is a moment of truth. Does she stick with the decision or fly with the wind? Emotions run rampant through her mind as fragments of conversations haunt her. His hand moves to the bottom of her shirt as his lips tickle her neck. Voices that she has not heard in years dim the noises in the room. His breathing is no longer heard as he tugs on her shirt. She removes his hand from her stomach before running out the door. She leans against a wall and wills her beating heart to slow. Touching her swollen lips she turns to head home.

Time is slowly ticking away the seconds bringing to and end a joyous day. The guests have returned home. The remaining traces of cake and confetti are swept up among the lingers of laughter. The band is packing their instruments. In a room removed from the afternoon's activity her groom places a kiss on her neck. She smiles at him interlacing their newly decorated left hands. He brings their entwined hands to his lips slowly kissing each of her fingers. She smiles in contentment as she realizes a small sacrifice has reaped a great, fulfilling reward.

Fear and Indecision

The sun sets bringing to close yet another day. A peaceful calm reigns in a kingdom made of my belongings, treasures, and memories. The outward stillness gives no indication to the inner war that battles.

My body is still as my mind races in too many different directions to make any progress. There are decisions to be made. How do I make the right decision? What is the wisest thing for me to do? Where will I go? What should I do? What is more important happiness or success?

My heart deals with a different battle. My dreams are they attainable? I have been told they are unrealistic. Is this true? What are my dreams? I have so many are they all reachable? Dreams of love, success, happiness, enjoyment, and bliss flash in my mind as I try to pick one. They are supposedly not interchangeable, no matter what you have to sacrifice something.

My heart and mind hold their battles. Logic and imagination wage a war. Fear and comfort duel courage and unknown. Knowledge fights the unrealistic. I scream breaking the reign that calmness once held.

Do I go for the unknown? There are no guarantees. Success and failure each have a 50/50 chance. All I've known would be gone. Am I woman enough to make it on my own?

I could remain in the comfort that I know. Life could continue as I know it. There would be no risk. It would be simple, nothing would need to change. Can I continue in what I've always known? Is it sufficient to quench all my desires?

I am no closer to a decision than when this procedure started. The battle has heightened to a catastrophic level. I push the was away just like I've done countless times before promising myself that when I was adequately prepared I would make a decision. Oh yes I forgot to mention this has been going on for months. My emotional and physical reserve are slowly depleting. A decision should be made soon to preserve my health and sanity.

Months later the door closes with a decisive click behind me. I realized that all those months of debating had not been to make a smarter decision. I had been hiding in the comfort that I knew. All that time I had stayed never trying something new, never challenging myself. I reach down to grip my bag to my side. I take the first step toward accomplishing my dream.

What Does He Mean?

They ask me at my age if I can understand. They want to know what I feel. They look down at me and tell me that there is not a snowballs chance in hell that I can handle the emotion known as love. I beg to differ.

The questions comes out. What do you feel for him? Is it love? Are you in this for the long haul? Have you discussed marriage? I want to laugh at the eager faces staring at me waiting for the answer. How would they have any clue what I feel for him? I turn to look at him, taking a deep breath I open my mouth to respond. His brown eyes meet mine and I know exactly what to say.

"How do I explain what Dominic means to me? I see happiness and pain when I look at him. His strength gives me reason to fight. He is as essential to my being as breathing. He is as competitive as he is gentle. He is as strong as he is kind. He is dedicated. Moments with him are surreal. If I have a lifetime with him it is not enough time. The electricity that shoots through my body when he touches me could kill someone. The passion that he ignites in me when our eyes meet could singe. There is not a greater feeling than knowing when his lips touch mine that our souls have met. To answer your question do I love him-yes. Is that love going to continue to grow-yes. How long will we be together-I don't know. I am just counting the minutes that I have with him now."

Reality Check

Has it ever hit you out of the blue? Like a splash of cold water on your face someone has managed to wake you up to reality? Here you are stumbling along looking for an answer, reasoning, guidance, purpose and bam it whacks you upside the head so hard you wonder how you could have missed it?

I am still waiting for it to happen. I don't want an easy way out or even the perfect solution dropped in my lap. I am completely ready to work for my goals. If I did not work for my goals there would be no fulfillment. I just need someone to point me in the right direction. I could use just a little help.

Where do you find that help though? Most people are bumbling along themselves not really sure where they are going. They don't have the wisdom or the nerves to assist anyone. This is where the cold water got splashed on my face. No one can tell me what is necessary in my life. I have to make that decision. I am not a toddler that depends on mommy and daddy to think for me lest I touch the hot burner on the stove. I am not a 12 year old standing in the dressing room of a mall wearing an outfit that your 17 year old should not wear. I am an adult by all accounts and standards. I have lived enough of my life to know that I should be able to do something's for myself. Why then did I believe that someone held answer magically in their hand waiting for me to choose between the right hand and the left hand.

With this new knowledge came the understanding that the ball was in my court and I was responsible for keeping the game going. How I was going to go about that is the next hurdle I faced. Some people would call in favors, others would worm their way in, or I could set about it in the old fashioned work my way in. I ultimately had the power in my hands to do something great, die trying, or just continue to trudge along. Which option was I going to choose?