Betrayed

Did they honestly think that I would hold them back from being happy? Were they really worried I would feel betrayed? Were they concerned I would be hurt by the news? Why couldn’t they have told me the truth? Why couldn’t they have shared the good news with me? Why did I have to find out from someone e months after the fact? Do they realize that by trying to protect me they hurt me? They kept secrets from me never giving me the chance to rejoice with them. Did they really believe that I was that juvenile to react badly? Was my friendship to them dispensable. I guess maybe our friendship wasn’t strong enough in their eyes to bear the possible strain. I wish they had more faith in me and in our friendship. Now, I wonder is there a friendship? If they can’t share the news of their relationship with me now will they be able to share anything in the future with me? I am believing that is not a possibility anymore. So many years of memories and a history that is almost a fairy tale and here I am wondering if there is a friendship left to salvage. I face a future without two people who have meant the world for me for so long. One of them has been in my life so long that I don’t know my life without him, I can't imagine my life without his presence. The other has stood by me through everything I ever went through as the sister I never had. I don’t know if it is possible to get over this inflicted wound. I guess sometimes friendships fade like the morning dew under the intense heat of the sun.

I Am Here

I am here to protect you. I will be your shield against a harsh world. I live to comfort you. I thrive on your happiness. I bask in your glory. I listen to your broken sobbing. I yearn to be your heart's cry. I ache with the need to hold you. I burn with a passion only for you. I desire your tenderness. I crave your closeness. I need your wisdom. I comfort your unsettled mind. I trust you to complete me. I spend hours trying to satisfy you. but when the harsh world comes in and tears down your happiness. When the light of your glory starts to fade. When you stumble and fall. When the pain becomes too much to bear. When your heart is empty.

I am here.

Delusion

I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or throw something right now. Have I been deceived? All this time I that I believed I was at least average if not on my way to higher than the normal was I fooling myself?

In one day I've been branded irresponsible, lazy, and unimpressive. Whoopee my worst nightmare come true. Now, all I need is to hear that I am unlikable, a bore, or revolting and my day is complete.

A year ago I rose above all that had tried to hinder me. An irate manager with more mood swings than a pregnant woman, a preconceived notion that said that I would never be able to accomplish the task before me, a label that branded me a "no good teenager" to stand victorious. I rose above it all to be told that I turned a monstrous job into a quick, easy flowing, painless undertaking. I was informed that I had handled the duty better than people twice my age who had tried before me. My employees enjoyed themselves, seemed to like me, and were pleasantly on their way when all was said and done.

Today I sat in an office the forces against me stronger this time. Everything that I had worked for in the last job all that I had achieved vanished as I was told in so many words to quit or be fired. I just don't understand it. I did all that I was given to do and then some. I finished my work accurately and efficiently in record time. Had I made mistakes? Yes. Did I correct them? Yes. Did I learn from them? Yes. Then why the prejudice? Why had I made it onto the "black list" of "people who we want gone but don't have the guts to do anything about"?

In all honesty I don't want to quit. I want to prove them wrong by all that is within me. I know I could do it too. They have not seen a force to be reckoned with quite like me.

Why don't I? In complete sincerity they are not worth my time, energy, or effort. They have chips on their shoulders, inflated egos, power trips, or just plain anger that they need to deal with. I would love the challenge of showing them exactly how wrong they are but this is not a lesson for me to teach.

Sometimes the price of being right is too hefty. I have enough other factors in my life to deal with. It is no skin off my back what they think of me. I am sure the office will be a buzz tomorrow but do I care-no. The emotional drain, mental games, morally stifling work environment that I am leaving behind will not be missed. Some of my coworkers will be, they are not at fault for this. I wish them all the success and joy in the world.

I am off to greener pastures. Will the road be tough? Yes. Will there be days I want to give up? Maybe so. The concept of being me and expanding my horizons will make it all worth it. The return of my creative flow and challenged mind will reward me. The price is small for a much greater reward.

Denied

Fear darkens her eyes much like dark storm clouds blocking out the streaming sun. What would she face this time when they found out? Pain? Embarrassment? Loathing? Shame? She did not know but fear forged through her body. She would sit and wonder her mind filled with worry.

She never knew when the attacks would come. One day she would determine not to do anything to make them mad. She would do everything above and beyond to please them. They would snap anyway making the efforts of a fragile girl futile. The next day she would mess something up so badly she was positive she would not survive the attack when they found out. Her stomach would be in knots, her hands clammy, her face flushed. Trepidation would take reign over her body. The tiniest noise, the slightest movement, would send her over the edge. Nothing would happen to her mystification. The day would come and go. The week would pass and not a consequence to her actions.

Because of the uncertainty she could never settle down. She learned to doubt people more than trust. She became closed off and cautious. Tears came more often than smiles. The older she got the more guarded she became. Autopilot became her escape. Lying became her safety net. She was so careful scared that everyone would be like they were.
No one ever appreciated her for the beautiful person she was. She was pitied. She was scrutinized. She was shamed. She was a seed that never saw the sun. She never had the chance to grow. She was denied the opportunity to bloom.

Then You Look At Me

Your hand brushes mine and you smile. That smile lets me know that you are thinking of me. Our eyes meet for a brief second before you are pulled away from me. Your eyes confirm the promise from your lips that later will be our time.

The night wears on as my hunger for you is satisfied for the briefest moment with a quick glance. At first it is slightly gratifying but before long I long for something more.

After what seems like an eternity. I make my way through the crowd of people to the door. Anticipation dances in my eyes as I say good bye. Climbing in the car I relax against the plush seats. Breathing a sigh of relief I settle in for a car ride that will take me to you.

A door opens and I walk into the arms of the one person that does not expect anything from me. Your arms tighten drawing me to the haven that you provide. I sigh in contentment praying that we can stay like this forever.

Activity below and above reminds us that another day is beginning. We have only a few minutes before we are once again torn from each other. A groan escapes your lips as it happens all over again.

Wasn't Meant To Be

You and I once spoke of what was meant to be. The convictions in your voice as you spoke of our future almost convinced me it would happen. Vows and a lifetime together were planned, but you and I weren't meant to be. I see the happiness in your eyes that I could never put there when you look at her. I hear your voice soften in awe as you speak of her with pride. I see the smile that escapes with the sound of her voice that I never caused. When she is around you slow down and savor every moment. You tell me of the future you foresee with her that you never desired with me. A lifetime of love, hopes, and dreams that I am not to be a part of.

You and I share an unique bond. A friendship that will last the ages exists between us. You and I will forever remain close but our lifetimes belong to others.

Inner Circle

Somehow the inner circle has been broken. The bond has frayed. The circle is unwinding. Things aren't the same anymore. With time comes change and you can't prevent the course of time but try as I might I can't watch this link unravel. It is too painful to just sit by and be ripped from those who know you inside and out while they fail to pay attention. Too much work has been put into this relationship to watch it die. Too many tears have been cried in sadness and happiness. Too many memories are filed away to turn your back on. Too many moments of déjà vu and the familiar to close your eyes and pretend that this tearing apart isn’t happening. Too many dreams that have seen fruition and too many dreams waiting to be conquered. Too many accomplishments mixed with failure to have not learned that this bond is unlike anything on Earth. Yet it is simply coming apart. One by one the bands begin to break and the bond weakens.

Sometimes no matter how hard you fight life battles you and overcomes. It can be painful but change has never been easy. As hard and long as you fight sometimes you can’t be victorious. Don’t let go easily but know when the time it right and it is worth standing strong in the heat of battle or calmly backing down.

This fight is worth it. You are worth it. You are my family. You are my friends. You are the ones who held me in my darkest time. You were the ones who celebrated with me in the best of times. You laughed with me. You cried with me. You stood beside me. You supported me. You are a part of who I am and I am not ready to let you go. I might die trying to win this fight but I refuse to surrender.