The sun sets bringing to close yet another day. A peaceful calm reigns in a kingdom made of my belongings, treasures, and memories. The outward stillness gives no indication to the inner war that battles.
My body is still as my mind races in too many different directions to make any progress. There are decisions to be made. How do I make the right decision? What is the wisest thing for me to do? Where will I go? What should I do? What is more important happiness or success?
My heart deals with a different battle. My dreams are they attainable? I have been told they are unrealistic. Is this true? What are my dreams? I have so many are they all reachable? Dreams of love, success, happiness, enjoyment, and bliss flash in my mind as I try to pick one. They are supposedly not interchangeable, no matter what you have to sacrifice something.
My heart and mind hold their battles. Logic and imagination wage a war. Fear and comfort duel courage and unknown. Knowledge fights the unrealistic. I scream breaking the reign that calmness once held.
Do I go for the unknown? There are no guarantees. Success and failure each have a 50/50 chance. All I've known would be gone. Am I woman enough to make it on my own?
I could remain in the comfort that I know. Life could continue as I know it. There would be no risk. It would be simple, nothing would need to change. Can I continue in what I've always known? Is it sufficient to quench all my desires?
I am no closer to a decision than when this procedure started. The battle has heightened to a catastrophic level. I push the was away just like I've done countless times before promising myself that when I was adequately prepared I would make a decision. Oh yes I forgot to mention this has been going on for months. My emotional and physical reserve are slowly depleting. A decision should be made soon to preserve my health and sanity.
Months later the door closes with a decisive click behind me. I realized that all those months of debating had not been to make a smarter decision. I had been hiding in the comfort that I knew. All that time I had stayed never trying something new, never challenging myself. I reach down to grip my bag to my side. I take the first step toward accomplishing my dream.
Monday, September 17, 2001
Thursday, September 6, 2001
What Does He Mean?
They ask me at my age if I can understand. They want to know what I feel. They look down at me and tell me that there is not a snowballs chance in hell that I can handle the emotion known as love. I beg to differ.
The questions comes out. What do you feel for him? Is it love? Are you in this for the long haul? Have you discussed marriage? I want to laugh at the eager faces staring at me waiting for the answer. How would they have any clue what I feel for him? I turn to look at him, taking a deep breath I open my mouth to respond. His brown eyes meet mine and I know exactly what to say.
"How do I explain what Dominic means to me? I see happiness and pain when I look at him. His strength gives me reason to fight. He is as essential to my being as breathing. He is as competitive as he is gentle. He is as strong as he is kind. He is dedicated. Moments with him are surreal. If I have a lifetime with him it is not enough time. The electricity that shoots through my body when he touches me could kill someone. The passion that he ignites in me when our eyes meet could singe. There is not a greater feeling than knowing when his lips touch mine that our souls have met. To answer your question do I love him-yes. Is that love going to continue to grow-yes. How long will we be together-I don't know. I am just counting the minutes that I have with him now."
The questions comes out. What do you feel for him? Is it love? Are you in this for the long haul? Have you discussed marriage? I want to laugh at the eager faces staring at me waiting for the answer. How would they have any clue what I feel for him? I turn to look at him, taking a deep breath I open my mouth to respond. His brown eyes meet mine and I know exactly what to say.
"How do I explain what Dominic means to me? I see happiness and pain when I look at him. His strength gives me reason to fight. He is as essential to my being as breathing. He is as competitive as he is gentle. He is as strong as he is kind. He is dedicated. Moments with him are surreal. If I have a lifetime with him it is not enough time. The electricity that shoots through my body when he touches me could kill someone. The passion that he ignites in me when our eyes meet could singe. There is not a greater feeling than knowing when his lips touch mine that our souls have met. To answer your question do I love him-yes. Is that love going to continue to grow-yes. How long will we be together-I don't know. I am just counting the minutes that I have with him now."
Sunday, July 1, 2001
Reality Check
Has it ever hit you out of the blue? Like a splash of cold water on your face someone has managed to wake you up to reality? Here you are stumbling along looking for an answer, reasoning, guidance, purpose and bam it whacks you upside the head so hard you wonder how you could have missed it?
I am still waiting for it to happen. I don't want an easy way out or even the perfect solution dropped in my lap. I am completely ready to work for my goals. If I did not work for my goals there would be no fulfillment. I just need someone to point me in the right direction. I could use just a little help.
Where do you find that help though? Most people are bumbling along themselves not really sure where they are going. They don't have the wisdom or the nerves to assist anyone. This is where the cold water got splashed on my face. No one can tell me what is necessary in my life. I have to make that decision. I am not a toddler that depends on mommy and daddy to think for me lest I touch the hot burner on the stove. I am not a 12 year old standing in the dressing room of a mall wearing an outfit that your 17 year old should not wear. I am an adult by all accounts and standards. I have lived enough of my life to know that I should be able to do something's for myself. Why then did I believe that someone held answer magically in their hand waiting for me to choose between the right hand and the left hand.
With this new knowledge came the understanding that the ball was in my court and I was responsible for keeping the game going. How I was going to go about that is the next hurdle I faced. Some people would call in favors, others would worm their way in, or I could set about it in the old fashioned work my way in. I ultimately had the power in my hands to do something great, die trying, or just continue to trudge along. Which option was I going to choose?
I am still waiting for it to happen. I don't want an easy way out or even the perfect solution dropped in my lap. I am completely ready to work for my goals. If I did not work for my goals there would be no fulfillment. I just need someone to point me in the right direction. I could use just a little help.
Where do you find that help though? Most people are bumbling along themselves not really sure where they are going. They don't have the wisdom or the nerves to assist anyone. This is where the cold water got splashed on my face. No one can tell me what is necessary in my life. I have to make that decision. I am not a toddler that depends on mommy and daddy to think for me lest I touch the hot burner on the stove. I am not a 12 year old standing in the dressing room of a mall wearing an outfit that your 17 year old should not wear. I am an adult by all accounts and standards. I have lived enough of my life to know that I should be able to do something's for myself. Why then did I believe that someone held answer magically in their hand waiting for me to choose between the right hand and the left hand.
With this new knowledge came the understanding that the ball was in my court and I was responsible for keeping the game going. How I was going to go about that is the next hurdle I faced. Some people would call in favors, others would worm their way in, or I could set about it in the old fashioned work my way in. I ultimately had the power in my hands to do something great, die trying, or just continue to trudge along. Which option was I going to choose?
Saturday, June 23, 2001
Memory Lane
Have you ever taken a walk down memory lane and not known if the end was in sight or if the destination would be the beginning or the end?
Over a decade of friendship had made us closer than two sisters, more than just friends, and more comfortable than kindred spirits. We had shared so much in the 13 years that we had known each other. Giggles of schoolgirls as they spied their crushes brought blushes to our cheeks. Complaints of "grown women" who wanted to spread their wings and fly but were tethered to the poles known as parents brought smiles to our faces. Murmurings of independence and maturity brought smirks to our faces as we thought about how little we knew back then.
13 years of friendship. 13 years of planning double weddings, simultaneous pregnancies, vacations, and friendships for our children that would resemble ours and not once did we think that anything would ever change what we had. Of course life has a way of bringing out the chasms that need to be crossed in order to reach new heights.
It started out a simple drive. We wanted to be 14 again so we headed out for fries and a frosty. We started driving to pass the time without the distractions that boyfriends, parents, work, and life threw at us. I don't think either one of us could ever explain how we ended up in the old neighborhood or how the car slowed as houses we once called home came into view.
A dull ache moves in. This isn't supposed to hurt nor is it supposed to cause the tear that pools in the corner of my eye. I hope that it is too dark for her to see but when I glance at her a salty trail has been blazed down the side of her cheek. She looks at me briefly before looking back out the window and asking if I remembered the summers we spent painting and cleaning to earn a few dollars to go to the movies. My voice is weak as I respond. It wasn't supposed to be this painful.
We drive on again. Neither one of us says anything. I didn't trust myself to speak. I had been told that growing up was hard but when did it become heartbreaking? We continue on in silence, left to our thoughts of yesteryear.
Her voice breaks me out of my reverie. We are parked in front of the one place that would never change in our lives. We pull our shoes off and hit the sandy beaches walking along the same shore that saw two little girls build sand castles before giving way to the teens who sat around tanning and wishing their pride would let them build sand castles to the adults who wished they had time to build sand castles. It doesn't take long for the two of us to be seated constructing images in the sand.
"Do you regret any of it?"
She asks shyly like she is talking to a stranger and not her best friend. I know that she is not asking about the first 12 years but of the past year that had radically changed our lives. I think back to the laughter, the tears, the hurt, and the joy. I shake my head.
"No. There is a future to be had and memories that will tell of the legacy of two friends who withstood everything thrown at them to become the best friends who continue to grow closer with each passing year."
Over a decade of friendship had made us closer than two sisters, more than just friends, and more comfortable than kindred spirits. We had shared so much in the 13 years that we had known each other. Giggles of schoolgirls as they spied their crushes brought blushes to our cheeks. Complaints of "grown women" who wanted to spread their wings and fly but were tethered to the poles known as parents brought smiles to our faces. Murmurings of independence and maturity brought smirks to our faces as we thought about how little we knew back then.
13 years of friendship. 13 years of planning double weddings, simultaneous pregnancies, vacations, and friendships for our children that would resemble ours and not once did we think that anything would ever change what we had. Of course life has a way of bringing out the chasms that need to be crossed in order to reach new heights.
It started out a simple drive. We wanted to be 14 again so we headed out for fries and a frosty. We started driving to pass the time without the distractions that boyfriends, parents, work, and life threw at us. I don't think either one of us could ever explain how we ended up in the old neighborhood or how the car slowed as houses we once called home came into view.
A dull ache moves in. This isn't supposed to hurt nor is it supposed to cause the tear that pools in the corner of my eye. I hope that it is too dark for her to see but when I glance at her a salty trail has been blazed down the side of her cheek. She looks at me briefly before looking back out the window and asking if I remembered the summers we spent painting and cleaning to earn a few dollars to go to the movies. My voice is weak as I respond. It wasn't supposed to be this painful.
We drive on again. Neither one of us says anything. I didn't trust myself to speak. I had been told that growing up was hard but when did it become heartbreaking? We continue on in silence, left to our thoughts of yesteryear.
Her voice breaks me out of my reverie. We are parked in front of the one place that would never change in our lives. We pull our shoes off and hit the sandy beaches walking along the same shore that saw two little girls build sand castles before giving way to the teens who sat around tanning and wishing their pride would let them build sand castles to the adults who wished they had time to build sand castles. It doesn't take long for the two of us to be seated constructing images in the sand.
"Do you regret any of it?"
She asks shyly like she is talking to a stranger and not her best friend. I know that she is not asking about the first 12 years but of the past year that had radically changed our lives. I think back to the laughter, the tears, the hurt, and the joy. I shake my head.
"No. There is a future to be had and memories that will tell of the legacy of two friends who withstood everything thrown at them to become the best friends who continue to grow closer with each passing year."
Sunday, May 6, 2001
Wednesday, March 28, 2001
Will It Ever End?
When will it end? When will my life stop being paraded around like some sort of lab experiment gone bad? Will my name ever stop coming up at dinner conversation with people that are three states away? Will curiosity cease as to who I am dating, what I am doing, how much I am making, where I am going to go to school? When will it let up enough so that when I make a decision for my life I can feel confident in knowing it is what is best for me and it is not what everyone expects of me? What did I ever do to make people compare their lives to mine to measure their success? Will it ever stop hurting? Will it stop tearing me apart every time someone tells me that they heard inquiries about me? Will I ever be able to move, breathe, feel, love, enjoy without someone over my shoulder second guessing and trying to make more out of it than it is? Will the lies about me cease or will they continue? Will I ever feel like I have been accepted for me?
Monday, March 12, 2001
Tomorrow
Yesterday a mother rushed from her house to drop her kids off at day care before walking the streets of New York. Yesterday a son left with his mind on the business meetings scheduled that day. Yesterday a daughter began work after years of education that didn't come cheap. Yesterday a father began a new job intent on providing for his family. Yesterday a young man determined for a reconciliation with his wife as she hoped. Yesterday an ordinary man pulled on a uniform and became an extraordinary hero. Yesterday it took a moment and everything changed.
Yesterday a catastrophic tragedy occurred. Yesterday lives were lost. Yesterday fear settled in. Yesterday the unimaginable happened. Yesterday will give way to tomorrow.
Tomorrow we can determine to care for the children who won't see their mother again. Tomorrow we can achieve business in the honest fashion to respect the memory of the son. Tomorrow we can create a scholarship in tribute to the daughter who worked her way through school. Tomorrow we can reach out a helping hand to the family who lost their father. Tomorrow we can endeavor to not react in anger learning a lesson from the young couple. Tomorrow we can't erase the memories but we can learn from them. Tomorrow we can pray that yesterday won't happen again. Tomorrow we can thank God for our next breath. Tomorrow we can improve the quality of life. Tomorrow we can learn not to take time for granted. Tomorrow we can appreciate the sacrifices of yesterday. Tomorrow we will look back with pride at the unity that the country showed. Tomorrow we can appreciate the lessons learned yesterday that will change our outlook forever. Tomorrow gives us a new day with new beginnings.
Yesterday a catastrophic tragedy occurred. Yesterday lives were lost. Yesterday fear settled in. Yesterday the unimaginable happened. Yesterday will give way to tomorrow.
Tomorrow we can determine to care for the children who won't see their mother again. Tomorrow we can achieve business in the honest fashion to respect the memory of the son. Tomorrow we can create a scholarship in tribute to the daughter who worked her way through school. Tomorrow we can reach out a helping hand to the family who lost their father. Tomorrow we can endeavor to not react in anger learning a lesson from the young couple. Tomorrow we can't erase the memories but we can learn from them. Tomorrow we can pray that yesterday won't happen again. Tomorrow we can thank God for our next breath. Tomorrow we can improve the quality of life. Tomorrow we can learn not to take time for granted. Tomorrow we can appreciate the sacrifices of yesterday. Tomorrow we will look back with pride at the unity that the country showed. Tomorrow we can appreciate the lessons learned yesterday that will change our outlook forever. Tomorrow gives us a new day with new beginnings.
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