Rejection

The month of June was not a great month for me.  At least it wasn't for the part of me that is dictated by my human nature was rocked to the core.

On June 15th I was informed that I'd be laid off from my job.  There is a long back story and while the lay off wasn't much of a shock the reasoning behind their decision to lay me off was.  I was informed I wasn't good enough.  Major blow that I had to come to terms with. As I struggled to understand how I wasn't good enough despite my reviews and the wonderful recommendation letters I received, I was already wounded so I believed them.

A week before I found out that I'd be laid off, I was bored.  A bored me is a thing to be frightened of.  Usually I just contact one of my good friends and we plot and plan worldwide domination and then we get distracted and life goes on.  I digress.  This is what happens when I get distracted.  Back to my point.  In the midst of my boredom I decided I'd give online dating a shot.  Or not really a shot.  More like a quick peek from my peripheral so no one would know I was looking.  I was rejected on online dating too.

The part of me running completely on my human nature immediately began licking my wounds.  I painted on my brave face and struck out to face the world.  The online dating rejection or "ODR" as we are going to call it wasn't exactly public knowledge.  The lay off was.  I couldn't exactly hide that as I began packing my four dozen photos from my cubicle to take home.  And for a few weeks I had to face people who expressed their sympathy for my circumstances.  Yet, I pretended that it didn't hurt.

I'm a liar.  It did hurt.  Because I failed to measure up both professionally and personally.  There was something wrong with me that made my company discard me and guys fail to find me attractive.  So I stewed and I contemplated.  About the time I was preparing to move to a country with far less blondes than the US (joking!), I grasped on to one simple truth.  God wanted me!

He wanted me when He created the world and plopped Adam and Eve in paradise.  He wanted me He sent His Son to die for my sins.  He wanted me when I weighed my options between what the world offered and what He offered and I chose the world.  He wanted me when I repented and He wanted me when I did it again.  He wanted me when corporate America didn't.  He wanted me when some single dude with a cracked out user name didn't.  He wants me today.  He'll want me tomorrow.

The other lesson that I learned was that while my employer might have told me I wasn't good enough, I had the proof that I was. I didn't need to believe their lies. My brain accepted their lies and through the tears I struggled to understand. When I stepped away and didn't listen to their harsh words but saw their agenda, I knew that their lies were unfounded. I had done all asked of me and then some. I wouldn't give them the power to stifle my confidence.

So to the world I may not be their definition of desirable.  I'm not employed today and Facebook says I'm single but God says He wants me.  So I'm going to grasp on to Him because He has great plans for me.

Self-doubt

What prompted this honesty?  Truthfully?  I battled a lot of self-condemnation recently.  Why?  Because there is no harder critic than your own self.

I've reached the age where I wonder more often than I should what God's plan for me is.  By this I mean is there a guy/wedding/marriage in my future.  At 13 if you'd told me that I'd be 31 and unmarried, my younger self would have laughed maniacally at you and told you to wait to be proven wrong.   Now at 31 I wrestle with self-doubt.  

What is wrong with me?  Am I not loveable?  Am I not attractive?  Is there something wrong with my personality?   Should I lose weight?  Cut my hair?  Wear flatter shoes?  Wear higher heels?  Wear more skirts?  

Logically, I know none of those things are the proper answer to the improper question.  When the doubt takes over though they are all the answer.  

Then I start to wonder if maybe I missed "him."  After all I could have been going through life at 75 mph as I normally do and jetted right by.  I view the world through the viewfinder of my camera and maybe he was just off to the side and I didn't have a wide enough lens.  Then I think of the "him(s)" that I had in my life and I know that I haven't missed the boat with any of them.  Which brings about the accusation that I am just too picky and need to chill out.  

Logically, I know this is not it either.  The problem comes when I try to apply logic to the emotional side of me and that emotional side rears its ugly head.  Emotionally I can convince myself that it is me.  It isn't that it wasn't the right time or in that moment that God's plan was still percolating for my love life.  I believe that if I change myself that I can create opportunities for those dreams to come true.

Yet, I know that it isn't for me to write my story.  God has been planning, plotting, and executing since before I was born.  I need to silence the lies of the devil and remember a few key verses.  The best way to improve my chances of marriage is to draw closer to God and walk in the truth that I am "fearfully and wonderfully" made by His hands.

Blowing up perception

If you've read any posts prior to this one, you'll notice that I've waxed poetic, critiqued, rambled, and essentially subjected you to more words than you've probably cared to read.  Things aren't about to change.

However, this blog is about to take a turn.  Not really a 180 or even a 90.  There will probably be more posts than before and while the book reviews and randomness will continue, there will be more concentration on real life.

I've recently become impassioned by a handful of separate incidents but they all were linked by a common thread.  I'm highly annoyed and frustrated by the false appearances that Christians seem to exhibit but also demand.  The world has this impression that Christians are boring and perfect and close-minded and the list goes on.  Christians have this impression that the only way to be a good Christian is to be perfect.  Our role models are to be perfect.  Our pastors are to be perfect.  We are to be perfect.

I'm here to tell you that I am not perfect.  I am a Christian. I am saved by grace and I struggle with sin daily.  As my friend tells me I have a potty mouth.  It is true; I won't lie.  I also am not always courteous with my thoughts and as today was a great example I definitely had un-Christian thoughts towards some of my co-workers.  I struggle with self-doubt.  I internalize pain.  I've been known to have a drink or two and depending on your circle that to some is not very Christian-like.

The truth is that Christians are human just like you and everyone else on this planet.  I'm tempted.  I anger.  I feel pain.  I say things I don't mean.  I need to ask forgiveness and I need to grant forgiveness.  Two of my good friends have said things to me that make me realize that our perceptions can be wrong.  One of my friends asked me if I ever wanted to have sex or if being a pastor's kid meant I was never tempted.  The other compared me to Jamie Sullivan of A Walk to Remember and as I told her 20 minutes later when she knew me better she wouldn't think that anymore.

In the future you'll find more honest, revealing posts.  I'm not out to prove or justify my sinful nature.  If I can help one person rethink their perceptions on Christians then I'll have exceeded my hopes.

Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Blogs, Vlogs...

I'm going to delve into the world of online streaking as I am dubbing the various ways in which we prove to the world that we have imperfections.

Twitter... I stumbled across a fairly famous person's Twitter account the other day. This actress is usually cast as an attractive bimbo who is given a sliver of reasonable humanity before being exploited. Usually her characters end up spending more minutes naked then speaking lines. The characters would be better served in print than film because then they'd be silent and we wouldn't need to question their intelligence. When you encounter characters like this you really hope that the actress is just trying to be a contributor to federal employment taxes and not that they relate to the character. However, sometimes they manage to do something that proves that acting might not be necessary to bring this character to screen. I almost felt bad for her. In her attempts to prove her confidence in herself, she managed to come across as insecure. She mocked those who mocked her falling into a trap that is a common downfall of her characters. She has all the reason in the world to be confident and instead she's defending herself.

Streaking is usually done when a person of questionable intelligence removes all their clothes and runs across the field of a sport in hopes of gaining recognition, 3 seconds of their 15 minutes, or just honoring the rest of us with their perfection. It involves public nudity and either large amounts of alcohol or a very large ego.

Blogger, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube... the list goes on. We have the world at our fingertips through the internet. We can access anyone's life legally or illegally. There are some who showcase their art through the internet. Family members remain in contact. Friends keep up with the 411. Professionals can network. Then there are those who really need a hobby.

They are the streaking bloggers. They don't possess enough shame to think through what they post. Without thought they race across the field naked bearing all. The only thing they manage to prove is that they are as imperfect as the rest of us. Their streaking gives all of us regular people a chance to boost our self-confidence because when they run naked in the sunlight their imperfections are magnified.

I recommend caution before joining the world of blogging. Before acquiring an account in which you can share your life with the world, there is something to consider. Do you want the world rummaging around in your head? Are there things hiding in your closet that you'd like to remain there? When you open your life and invite the world in they'll have things to say. Not everyone has a Mama who warns them "if they don't have anything nice to say then not to say anything at all." When you throw your thoughts out into the www you open yourself to those who think differently.

Streaking isn't recommended for everyone. No one wants to see that. A nice outfit completed with the perfect shoes is much more attractive than being an uncovered skank. Exercise caution before you hit the enter/send. Ask yourself if in ten years you'll be embarrassed to show your kids. Don't deny your style but remember nudity isn't a fashion trend.