High Standards? Picky?

"I have high standards." 

"It is ok to be picky and keep high standards." 

"Don't settle!" 

Those three statements and any variation regarding high standards are the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard to me. While the general idea of high standards isn't a deplorable one, I believe it is a safety net for many people. It is the pat answer when adult singles explain why they aren't married. It is a blanket statement when problems within a relationship can't be identified. 

I don't believe you should settle. I believe you should have God's standards.

I do believe you should have standards, but they should be driven by an intimate relationship with God. Over the past few weeks I have been helping a friend through a difficult season in her relationship. As a single thirty-something I mostly don't feel qualified to offer advice. However, I possess two amazing parents who gifted me with a childhood immersed in God's presence. As an adult I had to make the personal choice to maintain my relationship with God or let it go by the wayside. Thankfully despite the increased distance between God and I at times, He has always welcomed me back with open arms. While I don't have a marriage to give me practical experience to garner wisdom from, I do believe God gives us the wisdom to discern when we can't determine up from down. I do believe there is sufficient evidence in the Bible that settling is not what God has for any of us.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

However, we need to identify what "settling" means. Settling is what happens when you choose someone because you are impatient waiting for God's timing. Settling is when you know compromise on God's plan for your life. Settling is what happens when you tell God the what-what instead of listening for His guidance. Settling is what happens when you don't see a hope and a future so you find your own future. 

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you..."
Isaiah 43

If you prefer to call it high standards, I won't stop you. Maybe I'm picky. Maybe I'm a dating snob. Maybe I'm exlusive. Maybe I'm setting the bar too high. I am okay with whichever way you choose to describe my unwillingness to compromise on God's standards. The plans God has for me far outweigh whatever I could dream up for myself.

What's the big gesture?

I get irritated with my friends a lot. I get irritated with books and movies even more. I really get irritated by influential bloggers who are educated on relationships by TV shows. 

The following dialogue is from Chasing Liberty which sets the scene for the final swoon moment before "they lived happily ever after" scrolls and the credits roll.

"My father was always at work. Never at home. My mother wanted him to make the 

big gesture."

"What's the big gesture?"

"You know 'I'll quit for you. I'll stay home for you, darling.' But he didn't. 

Because... Well, people don't really do that, do they?"

I have no problems with Chasing Liberty. I probably watch the movie once every year or year 

and a half. It is an entertaining hour and a half. However, it is entertaining and not a lesson on 

life, love, and behaving like a President's daughter. 

If you are waiting for Prince Charming to perform a grand gesture so you can wear glass slippers 

and a pretty dress, I fear you will be waiting a long time. A successful relationship doesn't require 

an overwhelming act of sacrifice to be sustainable. A declaration of love isn't more true because

it was dragged on a banner behind a plane. The feelings aren't deeper because they are sung 

rather than said.

A cliche which happens often in entertainment is the musician boyfriend writing a song for his 

girlfriend. A moment like this may be considered a gesture. However, as someone who has had 

two guys write songs for her, I can tell you it isn't as romantic as the movies make it out to be. It 

can be awkwardly painful when it leaves you speechless because running away screaming isn't 

an acceptable response and neither is pretending to feel the same because of the romance 

of the moment.

I hear "I love you" when a guy watches a movie I know he has zero interest in and does it 

without complaining. I say "I love you" by listening to his music in the car. I hear "I love you" 

when he carries more of the grocery bags than I do. I say "I love you" when I surprise him with 

a coffee. I hear "I love you" when he picks a restaurant he knows I like. 

If we are always waiting on a grand gesture, we are missing the moments which add up to a 

wonderful relationship. A grand gesture sometimes is nothing more than a desperate plea to 

save that which is already beyond repair.

I Can't Live Without You

I hate memes. Really I do. I suppose it could be because according to one of my friends I am not a romantic. I'd disagree with him. I am a romantic. I just refuse to buy into the entertainment cliches everyone has been swallowing for years. 

In my opinion all of those are a stinky pile of Stella poo. I refuse to date the person who can't live without me. I'd never marry him. 

Let's be honest. We all can live without each other. Our lives will go on if the crush/flavor of the week/spouse/longtime significant other/baby mama isn't in our lives anymore. We are perfectly capable of functioning without them. It may hurt unbearably for a while, but we learn to put ourselves together and carry on. 

There is no one besides Jesus Christ with whom we should believe we can't live without. It's the truth. 

It is my belief relationships fail when we believe we can't live without the other person. Relationships work when we shift our focus from "I can't live without you" to "I don't want to live without you." The difference seems subtle, but it isn't. 

I am not talking Romeo and Juliet death pacts here. I am talking about choosing to honor someone's presence in our lives to the point of sacrifice, opening ourselves up to vulnerability with them, and knowing it will be hard at times. Relationships take on a different identity when instead of despair because things are tough, we hunker down (Orlando hurricane term!) and persevere. The reality is sometimes life would be easier without the other person, but rather than "I can live without you now when five years ago I couldn't" we realize "I can live without, but I don't want to." 

I'm waiting for the guy I want to spend the rest of my life. I've been proving for over a decade I can live without you. It is time to admit I don't want to anymore.

Remembering

Every 9/11 we go back to that day when the worst of humanity threw a cheap shot. The pain and fear billows back as we remember the horror of that day. This year I want to do something new. I want to look forward. 

I promise
 to honor those who died that day and every day since to prevent atrocities like that from occurring to innocent people - domestic and foreign.
 to be grateful each day that I have been blessed with family, friends, a job, and opportunities for the future.
 to not take for granted the freedoms I have been gifted by the sacrifices of too many.
 to live every moment as though it might be my last.
 to hold my tongue when anger swells.
 to not miss an opportunity to say "I love you."
 to remember to say "please" and "thank you."
 to judge someone not by the superficial but by the depth of their heart.
 to not deny others the freedoms that I often take for granted.
 to recognize sacrifice - small and large.
 to not speak my complaints because someone has it worse than me.
 to not worry about what I can't control, but to control myself.
 to take a moment and absorb the world around me.
 to smile because life is too short to be angry all the time.
 to not take for granted the people who I'm privileged to know.
 to avoid the discrimination of labels and embrace the knowledge of both sides.
 to let go of past hurts and pray for those who hurt me.
 to let the little things in life remain little.
 to not waste a moment on indecision and fear.
 to give more than I take.
 to add to this list with the things I learn tomorrow and ever day after.