Rejection

The month of June was not a great month for me.  At least it wasn't for the part of me that is dictated by my human nature was rocked to the core.

On June 15th I was informed that I'd be laid off from my job.  There is a long back story and while the lay off wasn't much of a shock the reasoning behind their decision to lay me off was.  I was informed I wasn't good enough.  Major blow that I had to come to terms with. As I struggled to understand how I wasn't good enough despite my reviews and the wonderful recommendation letters I received, I was already wounded so I believed them.

A week before I found out that I'd be laid off, I was bored.  A bored me is a thing to be frightened of.  Usually I just contact one of my good friends and we plot and plan worldwide domination and then we get distracted and life goes on.  I digress.  This is what happens when I get distracted.  Back to my point.  In the midst of my boredom I decided I'd give online dating a shot.  Or not really a shot.  More like a quick peek from my peripheral so no one would know I was looking.  I was rejected on online dating too.

The part of me running completely on my human nature immediately began licking my wounds.  I painted on my brave face and struck out to face the world.  The online dating rejection or "ODR" as we are going to call it wasn't exactly public knowledge.  The lay off was.  I couldn't exactly hide that as I began packing my four dozen photos from my cubicle to take home.  And for a few weeks I had to face people who expressed their sympathy for my circumstances.  Yet, I pretended that it didn't hurt.

I'm a liar.  It did hurt.  Because I failed to measure up both professionally and personally.  There was something wrong with me that made my company discard me and guys fail to find me attractive.  So I stewed and I contemplated.  About the time I was preparing to move to a country with far less blondes than the US (joking!), I grasped on to one simple truth.  God wanted me!

He wanted me when He created the world and plopped Adam and Eve in paradise.  He wanted me He sent His Son to die for my sins.  He wanted me when I weighed my options between what the world offered and what He offered and I chose the world.  He wanted me when I repented and He wanted me when I did it again.  He wanted me when corporate America didn't.  He wanted me when some single dude with a cracked out user name didn't.  He wants me today.  He'll want me tomorrow.

The other lesson that I learned was that while my employer might have told me I wasn't good enough, I had the proof that I was. I didn't need to believe their lies. My brain accepted their lies and through the tears I struggled to understand. When I stepped away and didn't listen to their harsh words but saw their agenda, I knew that their lies were unfounded. I had done all asked of me and then some. I wouldn't give them the power to stifle my confidence.

So to the world I may not be their definition of desirable.  I'm not employed today and Facebook says I'm single but God says He wants me.  So I'm going to grasp on to Him because He has great plans for me.

Re-visiting "ing"

It's been a while since I had reason to compare dating and interviewing.  I've spent the past two years in a job that I've mostly liked and always appreciated.  The dating thing hasn't been that consistent but I have left the entity of dating alone for a while.

As time passes it is normal to reevaluate and consider your position on the things in life that are negotiable.  Dating and interviewing are both being called into question in my world these days.  I may find myself once again having to interview as my company is downsizing in the next few months.  Dating is being called into question because I'm finding the desire for a family of my own to be growing.

I'm not excited to be unemployed.  I hate trying to sell myself.  There is so much pressure to be the "right" candidate that one wrong word can have your resume hitting the circular file and you have to go do it all again somewhere else.

I've also had to reconsider my position on dating.  I've never enjoyed dating as it is commonly executed.  I've had friends who have stayed with their significant others until someone better came along even though they weren't really happy in that relationship.  I've probably taken dating to the further extreme and not dated someone that I might enjoy spending time with because I can't see myself with them long term.

I can't revert completely to arranged marriages but I am not sure I'm ready for this 21st century dating. In the past couple of months two people that I know have had success with online dating.  I gave my two cents about online dating not too long ago.  I've had to reexamine though to see if I was missing the picture.

Honestly I am not sure where I stand.  I deactivated Facebook because I was being harassed by someone that I knew as a good guy but the computer screen gave him more courage than a six pack.  I began reducing the "social media" in my life and  yet found myself drawn to a website to see if I could mingle until I met a match.  I wonder if I didn't just defeat the purpose of deactivating Facebook to increase the personal contact in my world.

I signed up to see if I could mingle online.  I think as much as I'd like to say I'm a confident, independent woman who is with it, I'm not sure I'm advanced enough for online dating.  Maybe I am an old fashioned girl underneath it all.  I'd like to say that I'm progressive but I am thinking I'm not quite as far along as I've convinced myself.  The more I read about relationships the more I believe that the man should be the instigator.  I'm not going to smile, poke, and prod someone into speaking with me in an attempt to discover if he is the one.

For the future I think I'll leave the job search to the internet and the opportunities to meet guys to the close encounters of the personal kind.

Adam Cappa

Minor review on a new artist.

I am in no way shape or form a musician.  I can't sing.  I can't play an instrument.  I can't keep a beat to dance.  I do know what I like though for music and I've discovered another new artist getting repeat plays on my iPod.

Adam Cappa got his start opening for Jeremy Camp.  There is no greater recommendation in my estimation than to have Jeremy Camp voice his approval for your music ministry.  Then I read somewhere that Adam Cappa not only opened for Camp but was being compared to him.  I had to get his album.

Cappa's The Refuge is right up there with a Camp album.  The Refuge is a nice collection of worship songs and uplifting pop songs.  From the encouraging Perfect to the attitude of worship in  How Worthy there is something for everyone.

The highest praise I can give Cappa is to say that I created a playlist on iTunes and labelled it 'Jeremy and Adam" and it is the most played playlist by far.

Self-doubt

What prompted this honesty?  Truthfully?  I battled a lot of self-condemnation recently.  Why?  Because there is no harder critic than your own self.

I've reached the age where I wonder more often than I should what God's plan for me is.  By this I mean is there a guy/wedding/marriage in my future.  At 13 if you'd told me that I'd be 31 and unmarried, my younger self would have laughed maniacally at you and told you to wait to be proven wrong.   Now at 31 I wrestle with self-doubt.  

What is wrong with me?  Am I not loveable?  Am I not attractive?  Is there something wrong with my personality?   Should I lose weight?  Cut my hair?  Wear flatter shoes?  Wear higher heels?  Wear more skirts?  

Logically, I know none of those things are the proper answer to the improper question.  When the doubt takes over though they are all the answer.  

Then I start to wonder if maybe I missed "him."  After all I could have been going through life at 75 mph as I normally do and jetted right by.  I view the world through the viewfinder of my camera and maybe he was just off to the side and I didn't have a wide enough lens.  Then I think of the "him(s)" that I had in my life and I know that I haven't missed the boat with any of them.  Which brings about the accusation that I am just too picky and need to chill out.  

Logically, I know this is not it either.  The problem comes when I try to apply logic to the emotional side of me and that emotional side rears its ugly head.  Emotionally I can convince myself that it is me.  It isn't that it wasn't the right time or in that moment that God's plan was still percolating for my love life.  I believe that if I change myself that I can create opportunities for those dreams to come true.

Yet, I know that it isn't for me to write my story.  God has been planning, plotting, and executing since before I was born.  I need to silence the lies of the devil and remember a few key verses.  The best way to improve my chances of marriage is to draw closer to God and walk in the truth that I am "fearfully and wonderfully" made by His hands.

Firethorn

The final installment of Ronie Kendig's Discarded Heroes Series.
Nightshade
Digitalis
Wolfsbane
Firethorn


Nightshade has operated under the radar. No one knows of their existence. They've gone where no other military team has gone before. Except someone knows they exist. Griffin Riddell has been sent to prison for a murder he didn't commit. While in jail Nightshade headquarters is attacked and the team is separated. Some are sent to countries where they will be punished for their crimes. One is being held in a hospital with life-threatening injuries. Two are underground and no one has any idea how to contact them including their wives.

Kazi Faron breaks Griffin out of prison and they go on a hunt around the world to reunite Nightshade. As the layers are peeled back, things aren't what they seem. Has a member of Nightshade been a mole? Who leaked information that no one but the team would know?

This explosive and thrilling final chapter is impossible to put down. I needed to know that all of Nightshade was well and who could have possibly been targeting them. The ending is realistic - too realistic - I cried.

Look for Kendig's Military War Dog series coming soon.

Blowing up perception

If you've read any posts prior to this one, you'll notice that I've waxed poetic, critiqued, rambled, and essentially subjected you to more words than you've probably cared to read.  Things aren't about to change.

However, this blog is about to take a turn.  Not really a 180 or even a 90.  There will probably be more posts than before and while the book reviews and randomness will continue, there will be more concentration on real life.

I've recently become impassioned by a handful of separate incidents but they all were linked by a common thread.  I'm highly annoyed and frustrated by the false appearances that Christians seem to exhibit but also demand.  The world has this impression that Christians are boring and perfect and close-minded and the list goes on.  Christians have this impression that the only way to be a good Christian is to be perfect.  Our role models are to be perfect.  Our pastors are to be perfect.  We are to be perfect.

I'm here to tell you that I am not perfect.  I am a Christian. I am saved by grace and I struggle with sin daily.  As my friend tells me I have a potty mouth.  It is true; I won't lie.  I also am not always courteous with my thoughts and as today was a great example I definitely had un-Christian thoughts towards some of my co-workers.  I struggle with self-doubt.  I internalize pain.  I've been known to have a drink or two and depending on your circle that to some is not very Christian-like.

The truth is that Christians are human just like you and everyone else on this planet.  I'm tempted.  I anger.  I feel pain.  I say things I don't mean.  I need to ask forgiveness and I need to grant forgiveness.  Two of my good friends have said things to me that make me realize that our perceptions can be wrong.  One of my friends asked me if I ever wanted to have sex or if being a pastor's kid meant I was never tempted.  The other compared me to Jamie Sullivan of A Walk to Remember and as I told her 20 minutes later when she knew me better she wouldn't think that anymore.

In the future you'll find more honest, revealing posts.  I'm not out to prove or justify my sinful nature.  If I can help one person rethink their perceptions on Christians then I'll have exceeded my hopes.

Wolfsbane

The third book in Ronie Kendig's Discarded Heroes Series.
Nightshade
Digitalis
Wolfsbane

Sibling rivalry. When you grow up in a large household it is bound to be there. When one brother is a Coast Guard, Range, and the other appears to be a surfer, Canyon, then a clear victor is chosen. However, Dani Roark is about to throw the balance out of whack.

Dani is held for months, tortured, and raped in Venezuela. Her proudest moment is when she sneaks a memory stick with all the information necessary to put an end to her captors. She is picked up by Range and the Coast Guard during patrols. Her victorious moments are short-lived as she deals with the fall out of her imprisonment and then has to testify.

Canyon's Nightshade team is picked to go back to Venezuela with Dani. Canyon and Dani are separated from the rest of the team and the danger mounts.

Will one woman come between two brothers? What other secret is Canyon about to find has been kept from him?

Set aside a couple of days. You'll not want to put the book down once you start reading.