You're confident.

Can I tell you a secret? I was told my confidence is intimidating to the male species. The secret is I'm confident despite my many insecurities.

A friend informed me I scare him and I terrify a friend of his. I've spent weeks trying to wrap my mind around why. The other day I was told it is because I'm confident. Apparently confidence is one of those PC answers people give when asked what they find sexy in someone they are attracted to. It sounds good when you say it, but when confronted with someone who is confident most people have no idea what to do. The Knights in Shining Armor seek out their Damsels in Distress because it strokes the male ego.

The truth of the matter is I'm confident, but a lot of my confidence comes from the reality of I live without being someone's other half. I was raised to not seek the approval of others. My parents brought me up to honor God in all I do. Which means I haven't changed myself in order to gain the attention of someone I'm attracted to. My purpose in life is not to land a man, but to bring glory to God. In thirty-four years I've spent more time handling everything than I have being taken care of.

Side story: I was about 25 when a woman well into her forties wanted to know if I was married. I told her I wasn't. She wanted to know if I was engaged. I told her I wasn't. She wanted to know how long I had been with my boyfriend. I told her I didn't have one. She was amazed because I was "so content" for being single. I was completely baffled at the time. She was on a date with one of my co-workers who she met while she was on a date with someone else. She left with my co-worker while her date was in the bathroom. I couldn't relate to her at all.

Tonight I'm sitting here as my thoughts do a complete floor routine in my head. When I think I've got it all figured out I realize I'm cartwheeling and my feet are off the ground.

A few months ago I was introduced to a guy. He seemed like a great guy. We had great conversation and a great time when we were together. However, I could tell I was too much for him. My "confidence" was overwhelming to him. He needed someone who needed him as badly as he needed them. There was an awfully lot of needy in there. I wasn't the girl for him. I was upfront with him from the beginning about who I was, but he seemed convinced we'd be a good match. Until I didn't live up to the picture he had in his head. He disappeared in a cloud of dust. Didn't even bother to tell me why or let me know we'd be better of as friends. He simply went radio silent.

My confidence took a hit. Even though I knew we weren't going to be a forever couple, it hurts when you are rejected even if you know it is the right decision. However, it has set me into a tailspin. Because there is a guy who I could see myself spending a significant amount of time with and it having a different outcome. However, I guess I'd have to tone down who I am if I want him to approach me. Which I can't do. I briefly tried to be someone I wasn't and it didn't work for very long.

The truth is I want to be cared for. In some ways that does mean a mutual needing of each other. However, my confidence is a shield. Let's be honest. It is the truly cocky people who lack insecurity. It is the people who walk around believing they are better than everyone else who don't throw up shields. They have other issues to deal with. I do want someone despite at the moment not needing someone. It wouldn't be me though if I ran around throwing myself in the way of a runaway car so I could be rescued.

My confidence is my shield because it does hurt knowing the next few days I am going to be alone. It is lonely to a certain level. While I can enjoy some peace and quiet and maybe put the mental brakes on, the silence can grow deafening. It is painful to know there isn't someone out there who is willing to set aside some time to watch a movie or go to the store with me. No one is going to call because they simply want to be near me. Most of my friends are already with their families. The others will soon be so they are in the rush of holiday planning. The reality is I have to accept these facts. I could sit here and cry about it, but what will it accomplish? Someone won't magically appear to wipe my tears.

So rather than cry tears which will flow unseen, I'll remember I don't need a guy to affirm who I am. I'm not really terrifying. I'm just terrified to give in to the sadness which would overwhelm me if I dwelled on the empty space next to me.

The truth is I wish there was someone next to me. Someone wanting to be there. I wish someone would see beyond the confidence to the girl who would appreciate being cared for. However, I want them to want me for who I am and not for the less-confident-but-more-attractive version I sometimes consider conforming myself into.

This my friends is my confidence conundrum.

Bridge to Haven

Bridge to Haven by Francine Rivers

Francine Rivers is an author in a league of her own. Rivers takes excerpts of Scripture and writes a parable. Bridge to Haven is another to add to her stellar list of God-honoring, well-written works.

Abra is abandoned within minutes of her birth. The newborn is left under a bridge in the town of Haven. Pastor Ezekiel Freeman discovers her during his early morning prayer trek through town. Despite his wife's delicate health, the Freemans adopt Abra. Until Abra is five she knows nothing outside of having loving parents and a brother, Joshua. When Marianne Freeman dies, Pastor Zeke is forced to make the hardest decision of his life. He asks Priscilla and Peter to adopt her. Suddenly Abra has two parents and now a sister, yet her five year old  mind can't understand what she did wrong to make Zeke not want her anymore.

Thus begins a pattern in young Abra's life or so she sees. Penny, her newly adopted sister, soon becomes jealous of her. Zeke pulls himself farther away in order to make the transition easier for Abra. She only sees Josh on Sundays, and then he's drafted and away for three years. Despite the leading of the adults in her life, Abra can't understand why God would or should care about her. Her heart becomes ripe for the enemy's picking as her fears of abandonment blossom.

Cue Dylan. Dylan is the extremely handsome new boyfriend of Penny. Abra takes one look and she's both jealous and intrigued. It isn't long before Dylan drops Penny and challenges Abra to leave Haven behind. Her desire to be wanted and Dylan's smooth ways soon have her visiting the worst places California has to offer. Dylan keeps her around longer than he has any of his other conquests, but it more the challenge because Abra never adopts the attitude of worshiping Dylan. Eventually he does want to trade her out so she's passed over to another man.

Franklin Moss has other intentions for Abra besides the sexual pleasure Dylan sought. He sees potential in her to make money. Soon Abra Freeman is gone and Lena Scott is born. Her beauty captivates audiences as she begins making movies. However, Franklin's motives turn more selfish and he eventually marries her to control her.

After years of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse; Abra is ready to resurface. The foundation laid by Pastor Zeke and the people of Haven is still strong. Abra eventually leaves Hollywood behind with no destination in mind. A series of hardships fall on her and she ends up in the same town as Joshua Freeman who has spent five years praying she'd return to him. In a desperate attempt to get Josh to leave her alone, she confesses all her sins and only finds forgiveness. His forgiveness becomes the bridge to Haven.

Bridge to Haven is a masterful tale of the power of forgiveness and the lesson faithfulness. God's timing isn't always our and we can't always see His plan, but it is there and we need to trust. No matter how much sin separates us from God, the bridge to Him is the length of the cross. Always the length of the cross. The cross is never too short nor is it too long. It bridges the gap to His loving presence.

How Do You Serve?

There was a time when I could have cared less about politics and politicians. My attitude was they were elected they must know what they are doing so let them do their jobs. I turned 14 (rough estimate) and my attitude changed. My opinion on them was they are all liars, cheats, scum willing to sell their mother for a vote, and impotent (not in a way which can be solved by Viagra) although more than a few are creepy.

My opinion hasn’t changed much since I was 14. I believe now more than ever our elected officials are destroying the sandbox they are playing in. The problem is the sandbox they are playing in is my country. They are messing with the United States of America. Although we’ve really shortened it to America as we haven’t been united in a long time.

News channels run programming 24 hours a day and it is enough to make Pollyanna need anti-depressants. While every country has its ups and downs, we seem to be sliding down a steep slope of destruction. Some might say things could definitely be worse. We could be bombing our neighbors in retaliation for the bombs they dropped on us. I believe it is worse. We are destroying ourselves like a deadly disease from the inside and sometimes there is just stupidity among us.

I don’t believe we should introduce anarchy. We need laws, those who enforce the laws, and someone to guide us in the right direction. Although I still strongly believe it begins when we are taught respect as children. There needs to be an authoritative figure, but I also believe as citizens we have the right to question authority. I’d go so far as to say we have a responsibility to keep them in check. 

Right now America is spinning out of control. We don't know who to believe because we want to believe the best of our nation's leaders yet our citizens are dying on foreign soil as well as in our own country. Two sides blame each other instead of working together. If you have a different opinion than others, you will be discriminated against. Acceptance is taught but not offered. You can't take anything at face value because lies are spoken more frequently than the truth.

In the middle of it all a group of citizens is serving, fighting, and dying to preserve the integrity of this great nation. They believe in our country regardless of its current state and will give anything and everything to see it continue on. We are repaying them by laying them off and allowing them to die while waiting for medical treatment. It sickens me to think of how we are showing our gratitude. Politics creates chaos which in turn is harmful to all. 

Family folklore says my uncle enlisted and arrived three days before he was supposed to. They gave him a shovel and told him to move the pile of dirt from one spot to another. He did. They then told him to return the dirt to the original spot. He did. He went on to serve our country. They only needed to keep him busy until the rest of his group arrived. There was no rhyme or reason to what they'd asked him to do. I wouldn't have made it the three days. I'm opposed to wasted efforts and expending useless energy. I'd have never survived military life or I might have become the first person to break the drill instructors. However, it doesn't mean I can't serve my country.

I believe now more than ever citizens need to make a concentrated effort to educate themselves. I've heard ridiculous reasoning for why people vote (he had the cooler name, color of skin, he's from a particular state, the other guy talks funny) and reasons why people don't vote (couldn't find my polling place, didn't know what day it happened, my one vote doesn't matter). I wasn't wired to serve in the military. Ask anyone who knows me. I don't take orders well. I don't quietly perform superfluous duties. I question. I demand more. I want to dig deeper. Because I said so isn't an acceptable reason to me. 

My method of serving looks different. I don't salute or wear a uniform; good thing because I hate ironing and I can't imagine those military corners on bed sheets. I've adopted multiple soldiers over the years and subject them to my ramblings. I guess in the desert any letters regardless of how random they appear are welcome. I vote. I honor those who died and take inspiration from how they lived.

My service is I won't just ignore politics because I hate the players and the game. I won't blindly trust. I won't watch a rom-com instead of the news. Today's actions affect tomorrow and the days following. Opening our borders or closing our borders will have lasting effects. Trading terrorists for soldiers will impact our future. Allowing politicians to stranglehold our country while its citizens burn in others won't be tolerated. A government flexing its muscles like a frat boy trying to impress the sorority girl will be frowned on. 

I'll keep writing to soldiers deployed to deserts too. They make for a captive audience.  ;)

Like a dog with a bone

I'm not letting this go. Maybe I need to stop trying to improve my writing and just write. It wasn't long ago I was complaining about how books by Christian writers should be easily identifiable from works by authors without an element of faith. It went something like this.

Tonight I attended another webinar. i attempted to attend would be the correct statement. I may have missed some key information because my internet was spotty. I may need to retract everything I'm about to opine on. However, I don't think this will be the case.

There are too many statistics which prove the romance genre is what readers are choosing to argue against its merits. They are the best-sellers. Women purchase more books than men. Women read romance. Regardless of the genre they are reading, the stats tell us an element of romance is/should be included if you want to sell.

My question is should a Christian fiction writer include romance (outside the genre) in order to increase marketability?  I've never fit in as the target demographic. A good story doesn't have to be 25% romance to keep me intrigued.

Honestly, I think a lot of writers suck at writing romance. I've said it. There romances are cliched and recycled from other books/series. Writers use the same terms of endearments and it becomes cringe-inducing. Some writers use the same outline for their series. Each epilogue consists of a proposal/wedding/five years in the future with a house, white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and dog which follows 35+ chapters of intriguing action. While this is a great escape from real life, I find reading the same book with different characters to be a waste of time.

I'm more than halfway through a book which is a great read. The romance element is present. I think it detracts from the story. It isn't overabundant right now so if it doesn't get too heavy-handed it might not ruin the book. I'll give my opinion when I reach the end. However, the circumstances surrounding this "attraction" really isn't conducive to a blooming love. If this book's epilogue had a "six months later" and the main male character showed up to ask the female to dinner, I might buy that. However, I don't think this author can refrain from their love story beginning in the middle of manhunt.

I can see "attraction" beginning at inopportune times, but I do believe most adults are possible of realizing while people are shooting at you it isn't the time to trade favorites lists. I don't buy into the theory of you can't help who you fall in love with. I also don't believe you can't shut it down if the timing isn't right. A good story should be able to stand on its own without tonsil hockey and breathtaking beauty.

This will take more research. The Bible doesn't say "man will not be attracted to woman while their lives are threatened." However, I do believe our actions should glorify God. Therefore I would expect a Christian character in fiction to not be attracted to someone who is married. I would expect a Christian character to pursue God's will for their life in all aspects. Often the romantic aspect is overlooked because the guy is just that hot and the girl is just that intriguing.

I'm annoyed. It's ruining my appreciation of books. I'm disturbed by the counsel given by industry leaders which don't set themselves farther apart from books meant to titillate the world.

Firewall

Firewall by DiAnn Mills

Taryn Young has landed the perfect guy. Francis Shepherd fell into Taryn's life like a gift from God. He was everything she dreamed of and he swept her off her feet. The only thing standing between her and happily ever after is a dream honeymoon  until terrorists blow up the Houston airport. Now Mrs. Shepherd is 1/2 of a suspected terrorist duo who have killed American citizens.

Waking up in the Houston hospital, Taryn goes head-to-head with FBI Special Agent Grayson Hall. He's not convinced she knew nothing about her husband's plans nor how he left the airport just minutes before the bomb went off. Desperate Taryn escapes her hospital room to seek answers of her own. The next time she sees her husband he isn't the Prince Charming she dreamed of. He's the man who killed her best friend, kidnapped a child, and is using a gun to threaten Taryn.

Mills is the master of crafting a suspense, action-adventure. She weaved enough red herrings into this plot to keep the mastermind hidden from view until the last minute. Mills always writes must-reads.

My only nitpick is the "mastermind" appeared in chapters in the first person. This has become a new fad in writing and it irritates the appreciation right out of me. I tend to skip those chapters. Which means maybe I could have figured out who did it if I had read those pesky switched POV chapters. Skipping them didn't detract from my appreciation of the story so I 'm not factoring it into my rating.

Critical Pursuit

Critical Pursuit by Janica Cantore

Cantore brings another intense police adventure. Brinna Caruso was abducted as a child. The cop who found her, Milo, never rested until she was back home. Taking a page from his book, Brinna dedicates her life to finding missing children with her K-9 partner, Hero. An incident while on duty sidelines Hero and puts Brinna back on patrol with Jack O'Reilly. Jack is grieving his wife and unborn child killed by a drunk driver. Unable to go back to Homicide, O'Reilly took desk duty until he was told to return to Homicide or patrol.

Neither wants to be in a squad car with each other. Suddenly though their pasts catch up with them. Young girls are being abducted and Brinna is being taunted by the abductor. The driver who killed Jack's wife will be sentenced in two weeks. Brinna's mentor, Milo, passes away and her father is dying of cancer. There isn't time to face the past though when two young girls close to Brinna are abducted by the person who abducted her twenty years before.

Cantore delivers with real-life police situations and the application of where God fits in amidst tragedy.

When I Fall In Love

When I  Fall In Love by Susan May Warren

Warren has a way of telling a story which will completely gut you and fill you with hope simultaneously.  Grace Christiansen has a gift, but fear has sidelined her from experiencing the potential she possess. Max Sharpe lives life fearlessly on the hockey ice and off except when it comes to love. Their lives intertwined through Max’s former teammate and Grace’s brother, Owen, is about to clash. Max has no time for fear and Grace has no time for anything she fears. Until a vacation in Hawaii has them learning about more than just mixing ingredients which shouldn’t complement each other into gourmet meals.

While Grace and Max learn to overcome their fears, we are introduced to Casper Christiansen and Raina. I’m hoping a story for Casper is on the horizon although depending on what Warren does with Raina, we might be visiting Owen first. Either way I’m interested to see the next saga of the Christiansen family. Warren has a way of surprising you.

I don’t want to spend too much time on the story because if you enjoy a good novel, you don’t want to miss out on When I Fall In Love. However, I need to take a moment and recognize the gifting Warren has for intertwining story with lessons. Each of Warren’s novels has caused me to pause and reflect. When I Fall In Love resonated with me. Ten years ago I was Max, concerned less with the future and more with this present moment. These days I’m Grace, bogged down with responsibility of being dependable to those in my life. It isn’t just “falling in love” where Warren will challenge how you view life. The truth is there needs to be a balance. It is about marrying Max and Grace in our own lives so we glorify Christ with our eyes on eternity while not worrying about tomorrow.

A good story is a wonderful escape. You might find yourself in another country or falling for a man you wouldn’t in real life. A great story will do the same, but also challenge your way of thinking. Warren proves to be consistent with each novel.