Paradise

He offered me the world. He said he would bottle joy and give it to me with his heart. My wish was his command like my own personal genie. I would want for nothing and my every need would be met.

Why then can't I accept his heart and the promises? It would be close to paradise wouldn't it? I mean what could be lacking? I would never need to lift a finger if I did not want to. These were not empty promises either so then what is the deal with my hesitation?

It would be one step down from paradise. It would not be a bad place but it would be lacking. There is so much more that I want.

I want a man whose eyes shine with his love for me. I want a man who supports my dreams. He would be loving and compassionate. His words would be laced with emotions for me. His actions sure signs that there were no others. Words will not be needed for us to communicate. His laughter will ring in my ears long after he is asleep. His cries will echo deep within my heart.

One step down from paradise might be here today. I would not need to work for it. It is here waiting for me to enter in and find my dwelling place. It would be comfortable and mine and all I need to do is accept the proposal.

I am sorry, I know this is cruel. I might be labeled a player or tease for this but I can not accept. It may be years before you understand or I find my paradise. I am willing to wait. I will hold out for the day when I am standing outside paradise because if I settle for second best than he would too.

Who Knew

I have caused pain. I never meant to harm him. He was a friend, a best friend at that. I had a decision to make that could possible send the bridge of our friendship crashing to the water below.

You see he was my childhood best friend. We met before we were old enough to understand the difference between the two of us. We have grown up together. He potty trained while I took baths. I made mud pies and he ate them while we played house in the backyard.

As we got older our bodies and feelings began to change. It was different though in each of our lives. He was my best friend, I did not see him as a member of the opposite sex. I talked to him about everything regardless of subject matter.

He however had grown up and seen things differently. What a fool I was! I had no clue about his feelings towards me.

When we were 8 and 9 his mother used to introduce us as "her son and future daughter in law". We would giggle and argue but it never really meant anything to us. At 13 and 14 it was a pain. at 15 it was his dream.

We were forever being thrown together by the people around us who claimed that not a cuter couple lived. We fought those that pushed us together. Rather I fought and he used one arm to push me away and one arm to pull me closer. We eventually gave in to those pressures and became a couple.
A few months later I could not deny what my heart was telling me. I had gotten into this relationship for all the wrong reasons and now I was going to do the inevitable. I broke up with my boyfriend and at the same time lost my best friend. I cried myself to sleep every night for weeks hating myself for making him cry. I knew what I had done was right but it hurt him, I had broken his heart.

It took nearly two years to put our friendship back together. Even then something was still amiss but I figured it was the wounds that still needed to heal.

I was naive and did not realize that he was holding out hoping that we would one day be together again. I am unwittingly hurting him day after day. How do I tell him once again that the feelings are not there and that we are better off as friends.

It is simple you break his heart once more, it is not easy but it is the only choice you have.

Time Away

"Everybody needs a little time away..."

Ever had the words of a song stuck in your head only it is not the whole song it is a phrase maybe two? If you listen to the entire song it would not relate to you at all but that certain flow of words tells your story. This is mine.

I need to get away. I need space away from the people around me. I need a reprieve from work. I need new surroundings. I desire the thrill of the unknown. I can't get away fast enough. I can't get far enough away. I try to run but I am caught. I try to hide but still I am haunted. After all how do you outrun yourself? One day I realized I was the problem. Now all I need to do is find a way to fix it.

Fading

It faded like the morning dew on a summer's day. Faith it had once been an integral part of your being and then it was gone.

Confidence in the world around you disappears like the sun before a spring rain shower. You pray that somewhere on this planet there is a place where preconceived notions, prejudice, and hate don't coexist with people who aspire to make life miserable.

Trust in family and friends vanishes as one by one they disappoint you. You never imagined they would desert you as your worst nightmare comes true. Apprehension sets in as your wide eyes scan the mortals living around you questioning their intentions.

Belief in a God that you have been told loves you evades your acceptance. Common sense battles invisible being, you won't risk another let down so you chose to not believe.

Dependence on one's own self fades out like the end of your favorite song taking with it the pleased feeling. Your daily walk called life becomes a stumble. It would appear you can't do anything right at all. Work, relationships, responsibilities, and health begin to suffer as pressure is poured on. Eventually you cave in no longer walking but crawling.

We all walk through these times of doubt. Our world seems to be crumbling around us as we question where our life is going. Everything we touch seems to fall to the floor shattering into millions of non retrievable pieces as we ponder the reasons for going on. We want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over our heads, and pray for a new day.

A ray of light breaks through the thick fog you swear surrounds you. One voice arrives to reassure you. One face emerges to cheer you up. All of the sudden that brand new day is upon you, a joyous outlook to a once bleak view. Circumstances that once tore you down have not disappeared you just found new ways to conquer them. People who once chipped away at your spirit no longer hold any power over you.

It may seem like that ray of light is a long way off. You may think you are taking on the world by yourself. You are tired and weak. Rest assured you are not alone. You never have been and never will be.

You Failed

You tried to steal our pride but you did not succeed. You attempted to remove our feelings of security and you failed. You strived to cripple our way of life but it will recover the injuries you caused. You did your best to kill our spirit but you only grazed it. You endeavored to bring us to our knees but you couldn’t. You, in your cowardly fashion, killed thousands and wounded many more but we will heal. You thought you could prove your strength but you only showcased your fright. You might have believed that you had us where you wanted us but you under estimated the power of a united people. You did succeed in some areas. You managed to awake a nation to realize its full potential. You opened the hearts of a compassionate people. You brought into play a mighty power. You can’t have the strength, unity, grace, and pride of this country. Try as you might you aren’t able to pull us apart because no matter what you might attempt to do we are a mighty nation. You failed.

Would You Still Love Me?

Would you still love me if I told you I am not who you think I am? Would you still accept me if I told you my secret? Would you stand by my side after I confessed? Would our friendship remain intact if I revealed myself to you? Would you treat me differently? Would you learn to love the real me? Tomorrow if the image you hold of me was destroyed would you still love me?