A Life

The night ended as dawn began to cut through the darkness. A young woman pulled herself out of the arms that held her. She quietly pulled her clothes on before grabbing her jacket and keys and walking out the door. She got into her car beginning the 20 minute drive home. She always dreaded this drive and the memories that haunted her. She pressed her foot a little harder on the gas pedal hoping to cut even a few minutes off of this agonizing drive. It was to no avail as her mind brought her back to a time that she thought was best forgotten.

Months earlier this same drive had been made without any condemning thoughts only a sense of freedom. She loved him. They would be together forever she was certain. Her heart raced as memories of last night flooded her mind. Roses and candles had softened the masculine appeal of his room. One lone lamp dimly lit one corner of the room where wine glasses and soda made a startling contraction. The cd player crooned soft music. He had taken her hand and led her to the bed. A smile had graced her face as one hand left the steering wheel to touch the dainty necklace. Her hand then returned to the steering wheel as a bus slowed down in front of her. The children gaily ran onto the bus as she smiled at the sight. They paid no heed to the clouds that loomed overhead threatening to dampen the spirit of all who saw them. No the clouds were mocking her but she was in such a euphoric state that she paid no mind.

A few weeks later things did not look as bright as they had before. She was not feeling well and he was not as caring as he had promised he would be. A home pregnancy test revealed what she had known but denied.

She went to him scared and confused looking for love and support. She found anger and blame. Gone were the words of promise that he had made. Angry words left his mouth condemning her to deal with this on her own.

In desperation she made a decision. She had been told that it was not a life but cruel and unusual punishment for someone so young. She could be rid of this aggravation with a simple procedure and a small price.

Her heart stopped as she realized once again the gravity of what she had done. Her car was stopped behind a bus picking up a child. She willed it to move so she could escape her prison of thoughts and regret. Her eyes slowly slid over and took in the site that greeted her every time she drove home. A mother holding her young child cradled in her arms. Sobs escaped the young girl's body as she was hit with the realization that it had indeed been a life.

What I Can Never Say

Why can't you be awake when I gather the courage to voice how you make me feel? In the quiet of the night I find the strength as you sleep your arms around me like they have been many times before. I muster the strength to speak the reactions you cause in me yet I don't have the strength to wake you.

Should I wake you to tell you how my skin ignites into flames as your hands graze my body? Would you appreciate knowing that the kisses that follow soothe? Is it important for you to know that your tenderness makes me weak and your passion has me gasping for air?

I could try to explain how your love caresses me better than the expensive sheets we lay on. I could attempt to say how your lips on my neck mean more to me than any jewel you can afford to place there. I wish to convey how your heart beat next to mine captures paradise better than any vacation you could plan. I hope you know that cradled in your arms is where I feel safer and more loved than any where else I have ever been.

Your hands as they move over my body pamper and fulfill me in unfathomable ways. Your eyes as they lock on mine while you whisper to me create desire in me that only you can appease. Your skin on mine is delightful in its pain and healing in the same moment. Your soft touch as you explore leaves me feeling cherished. The sound of your breathing as you lay next to me composes a song unlike any other.

I am remain unmoving in your arms except for the fingers that play in your hair. You mumble as you dream and I know I will never wake you. I will spend the rest of my life showing you what you create in me.

The Sacrifice

A decision made by a young girl that did not quite understand all that it would entail. A knowledge of better things ahead. A clarification that this would indeed be the best way. A young mind naive, simple did not grasp the enormity of such a decision.

Years later a more mature mind battles with the decision. how could it be so bad? Was it really as wrong as they said? It must be all right if everyone else is partaking. How could everyone be wrong? Confusion sets in.

It is a moment of truth. Does she stick with the decision or fly with the wind? Emotions run rampant through her mind as fragments of conversations haunt her. His hand moves to the bottom of her shirt as his lips tickle her neck. Voices that she has not heard in years dim the noises in the room. His breathing is no longer heard as he tugs on her shirt. She removes his hand from her stomach before running out the door. She leans against a wall and wills her beating heart to slow. Touching her swollen lips she turns to head home.

Time is slowly ticking away the seconds bringing to and end a joyous day. The guests have returned home. The remaining traces of cake and confetti are swept up among the lingers of laughter. The band is packing their instruments. In a room removed from the afternoon's activity her groom places a kiss on her neck. She smiles at him interlacing their newly decorated left hands. He brings their entwined hands to his lips slowly kissing each of her fingers. She smiles in contentment as she realizes a small sacrifice has reaped a great, fulfilling reward.

Fear and Indecision

The sun sets bringing to close yet another day. A peaceful calm reigns in a kingdom made of my belongings, treasures, and memories. The outward stillness gives no indication to the inner war that battles.

My body is still as my mind races in too many different directions to make any progress. There are decisions to be made. How do I make the right decision? What is the wisest thing for me to do? Where will I go? What should I do? What is more important happiness or success?

My heart deals with a different battle. My dreams are they attainable? I have been told they are unrealistic. Is this true? What are my dreams? I have so many are they all reachable? Dreams of love, success, happiness, enjoyment, and bliss flash in my mind as I try to pick one. They are supposedly not interchangeable, no matter what you have to sacrifice something.

My heart and mind hold their battles. Logic and imagination wage a war. Fear and comfort duel courage and unknown. Knowledge fights the unrealistic. I scream breaking the reign that calmness once held.

Do I go for the unknown? There are no guarantees. Success and failure each have a 50/50 chance. All I've known would be gone. Am I woman enough to make it on my own?

I could remain in the comfort that I know. Life could continue as I know it. There would be no risk. It would be simple, nothing would need to change. Can I continue in what I've always known? Is it sufficient to quench all my desires?

I am no closer to a decision than when this procedure started. The battle has heightened to a catastrophic level. I push the was away just like I've done countless times before promising myself that when I was adequately prepared I would make a decision. Oh yes I forgot to mention this has been going on for months. My emotional and physical reserve are slowly depleting. A decision should be made soon to preserve my health and sanity.

Months later the door closes with a decisive click behind me. I realized that all those months of debating had not been to make a smarter decision. I had been hiding in the comfort that I knew. All that time I had stayed never trying something new, never challenging myself. I reach down to grip my bag to my side. I take the first step toward accomplishing my dream.

What Does He Mean?

They ask me at my age if I can understand. They want to know what I feel. They look down at me and tell me that there is not a snowballs chance in hell that I can handle the emotion known as love. I beg to differ.

The questions comes out. What do you feel for him? Is it love? Are you in this for the long haul? Have you discussed marriage? I want to laugh at the eager faces staring at me waiting for the answer. How would they have any clue what I feel for him? I turn to look at him, taking a deep breath I open my mouth to respond. His brown eyes meet mine and I know exactly what to say.

"How do I explain what Dominic means to me? I see happiness and pain when I look at him. His strength gives me reason to fight. He is as essential to my being as breathing. He is as competitive as he is gentle. He is as strong as he is kind. He is dedicated. Moments with him are surreal. If I have a lifetime with him it is not enough time. The electricity that shoots through my body when he touches me could kill someone. The passion that he ignites in me when our eyes meet could singe. There is not a greater feeling than knowing when his lips touch mine that our souls have met. To answer your question do I love him-yes. Is that love going to continue to grow-yes. How long will we be together-I don't know. I am just counting the minutes that I have with him now."

Reality Check

Has it ever hit you out of the blue? Like a splash of cold water on your face someone has managed to wake you up to reality? Here you are stumbling along looking for an answer, reasoning, guidance, purpose and bam it whacks you upside the head so hard you wonder how you could have missed it?

I am still waiting for it to happen. I don't want an easy way out or even the perfect solution dropped in my lap. I am completely ready to work for my goals. If I did not work for my goals there would be no fulfillment. I just need someone to point me in the right direction. I could use just a little help.

Where do you find that help though? Most people are bumbling along themselves not really sure where they are going. They don't have the wisdom or the nerves to assist anyone. This is where the cold water got splashed on my face. No one can tell me what is necessary in my life. I have to make that decision. I am not a toddler that depends on mommy and daddy to think for me lest I touch the hot burner on the stove. I am not a 12 year old standing in the dressing room of a mall wearing an outfit that your 17 year old should not wear. I am an adult by all accounts and standards. I have lived enough of my life to know that I should be able to do something's for myself. Why then did I believe that someone held answer magically in their hand waiting for me to choose between the right hand and the left hand.

With this new knowledge came the understanding that the ball was in my court and I was responsible for keeping the game going. How I was going to go about that is the next hurdle I faced. Some people would call in favors, others would worm their way in, or I could set about it in the old fashioned work my way in. I ultimately had the power in my hands to do something great, die trying, or just continue to trudge along. Which option was I going to choose?

Memory Lane

Have you ever taken a walk down memory lane and not known if the end was in sight or if the destination would be the beginning or the end?

Over a decade of friendship had made us closer than two sisters, more than just friends, and more comfortable than kindred spirits. We had shared so much in the 13 years that we had known each other. Giggles of schoolgirls as they spied their crushes brought blushes to our cheeks. Complaints of "grown women" who wanted to spread their wings and fly but were tethered to the poles known as parents brought smiles to our faces. Murmurings of independence and maturity brought smirks to our faces as we thought about how little we knew back then.

13 years of friendship. 13 years of planning double weddings, simultaneous pregnancies, vacations, and friendships for our children that would resemble ours and not once did we think that anything would ever change what we had. Of course life has a way of bringing out the chasms that need to be crossed in order to reach new heights.

It started out a simple drive. We wanted to be 14 again so we headed out for fries and a frosty. We started driving to pass the time without the distractions that boyfriends, parents, work, and life threw at us. I don't think either one of us could ever explain how we ended up in the old neighborhood or how the car slowed as houses we once called home came into view.

A dull ache moves in. This isn't supposed to hurt nor is it supposed to cause the tear that pools in the corner of my eye. I hope that it is too dark for her to see but when I glance at her a salty trail has been blazed down the side of her cheek. She looks at me briefly before looking back out the window and asking if I remembered the summers we spent painting and cleaning to earn a few dollars to go to the movies. My voice is weak as I respond. It wasn't supposed to be this painful.

We drive on again. Neither one of us says anything. I didn't trust myself to speak. I had been told that growing up was hard but when did it become heartbreaking? We continue on in silence, left to our thoughts of yesteryear.

Her voice breaks me out of my reverie. We are parked in front of the one place that would never change in our lives. We pull our shoes off and hit the sandy beaches walking along the same shore that saw two little girls build sand castles before giving way to the teens who sat around tanning and wishing their pride would let them build sand castles to the adults who wished they had time to build sand castles. It doesn't take long for the two of us to be seated constructing images in the sand.

"Do you regret any of it?"

She asks shyly like she is talking to a stranger and not her best friend. I know that she is not asking about the first 12 years but of the past year that had radically changed our lives. I think back to the laughter, the tears, the hurt, and the joy. I shake my head.

"No. There is a future to be had and memories that will tell of the legacy of two friends who withstood everything thrown at them to become the best friends who continue to grow closer with each passing year."

Will It Ever End?

When will it end? When will my life stop being paraded around like some sort of lab experiment gone bad? Will my name ever stop coming up at dinner conversation with people that are three states away? Will curiosity cease as to who I am dating, what I am doing, how much I am making, where I am going to go to school? When will it let up enough so that when I make a decision for my life I can feel confident in knowing it is what is best for me and it is not what everyone expects of me? What did I ever do to make people compare their lives to mine to measure their success? Will it ever stop hurting? Will it stop tearing me apart every time someone tells me that they heard inquiries about me? Will I ever be able to move, breathe, feel, love, enjoy without someone over my shoulder second guessing and trying to make more out of it than it is? Will the lies about me cease or will they continue? Will I ever feel like I have been accepted for me?

Tomorrow

Yesterday a mother rushed from her house to drop her kids off at day care before walking the streets of New York. Yesterday a son left with his mind on the business meetings scheduled that day. Yesterday a daughter began work after years of education that didn't come cheap. Yesterday a father began a new job intent on providing for his family. Yesterday a young man determined for a reconciliation with his wife as she hoped. Yesterday an ordinary man pulled on a uniform and became an extraordinary hero. Yesterday it took a moment and everything changed.

Yesterday a catastrophic tragedy occurred. Yesterday lives were lost. Yesterday fear settled in. Yesterday the unimaginable happened. Yesterday will give way to tomorrow.

Tomorrow we can determine to care for the children who won't see their mother again. Tomorrow we can achieve business in the honest fashion to respect the memory of the son. Tomorrow we can create a scholarship in tribute to the daughter who worked her way through school. Tomorrow we can reach out a helping hand to the family who lost their father. Tomorrow we can endeavor to not react in anger learning a lesson from the young couple. Tomorrow we can't erase the memories but we can learn from them. Tomorrow we can pray that yesterday won't happen again. Tomorrow we can thank God for our next breath. Tomorrow we can improve the quality of life. Tomorrow we can learn not to take time for granted. Tomorrow we can appreciate the sacrifices of yesterday. Tomorrow we will look back with pride at the unity that the country showed. Tomorrow we can appreciate the lessons learned yesterday that will change our outlook forever. Tomorrow gives us a new day with new beginnings.

The One

Hopelessness has set in. Am I ever going to find the "one" that everyone talks about? They say he is out there but where am I to find him? I am not sure how much more pain I can take. My heart has been broken and it's still sore. Every time the pieces are put back together there is a piece or two missing. Too much more of this and I will not have much left.

My mind is trying to make sense of the madness. It can't comprehend the motives behind hurtful words and harmful actions. Why would you purposefully hurt someone you claim to care for? Is loyalty such a foreign concept now? Is it possible for a dedicated relationship? Is there a man out there who would share the feeling that I have on loyalty? Is commitment really such a terrifying thought? Will relationships ever be more than just a way to pass time? Will it ever be more than an excuse to hop into bed?

As the hopelessness settles I become comfortable with the idea. Slowly my mind clears and I begin to see the world around me in a new light. People's roles are redefined.

All of the sudden you are standing there. You had supported me as I walked in misery. You were my rock to stand on as I began to sink into the grime of my pain. You have proven your loyalty and commitment time and time again. You waited patiently as I worked through my pain. You have secured your place in my life as the "one".

I Dreamt Last Night

I dreamt last night and woke up this morning scared that I had ruined my life. There are a million sayings about dreams, some are simple while others make no sense. "God made the stars that we might know how high our dreams may soar." Follow your dream, unless its the one where you are at school naked." "A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep." That last one is the one that this morning has me freaked out of my mind. I never imagined that a Disney cartoon would leave me breathless and wondering.

You see in my dream were people yet to meet, places yet to be seen, actions yet to be performed, desires yet to be fulfilled. I was walking along a busy street. It was a foreign street to me. There was a river that snaked its way along beside me. Cafes and shops lined the street. It looked like a street in Paris. People were not familiar until I ran into a face that seemed to be from the distant past. An ex-boyfriend who I had put out of my mind stood before me. We caught up on old times and the happenings of our now separate lives. The more he talked the more I wondered why I had broken up with him. Hours passed and it seemed like the years that we had been separated had never happened. He invited me to dinner to see his new place. I agreed and left excitement brewing of a fresh start.

A few hours later I stand outside his door. Hours of nervous excitement had caused my mind to wander. During my walk I envisioned candle light and his confession of undying love. I took a bath to ease the tensed muscles and memories of picnics, concerts, bike rides, basketball games came to mind. I raised my hand and knocked on his door. I fully expected to see him but was unprepared for the sight that met my eyes.

A gorgeous woman stood before me. Her green eyes sparkled as she greeted me like an old friend. She took my coat and ushered me in. She hurriedly explained that my ex was taking the dinner out of the oven since she could not do heavy lifting since she had entered the third trimester of a difficult pregnancy. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and offered my congratulations.

Dinner is a blur. I must have done a good job of hiding my feelings of shock and dismay because neither commented on it. The obvious love in his eyes for her and the adoration she showed him was blinding in a warm way. I left that night confused and scared. All of the sudden the finality of all my dreams with him were dashed and the truth hit me in the face. He was no longer mine.

I woke up from that dream scared and confused. When I broke up with him I knew it was for the best. Our lives were going in two separate directions. He was pursuing his music and I was working towards my goals in life. My heart was broken when I woke up that morning what if I had made the biggest mistake of my life? Did I easily throw away the one thing in life that I needed? Memories cloud my thinking. A weight has settled on my shoulders. The urgent to return to him gnaws at my good judgment.

What Have I Done

What have I done? Have I ruined it all? Is everything we've worked for demolished by one word or action? Is this the end of us? Has every moment been in vain? Are we through fighting against the odds? Was my one action enough to make you give up? Was that disappointment in your eyes directed at me? I am so sorry I never meant to hurt you. My heart is breaking knowing that I have torn to pieces. Has our relationship been destroyed beyond repair? Please is there any hope at all? I need to know if I stand a chance at happiness again. You are my world. Please tell me what I can do. I know my actions have been wrong and did not express my love. Will you ever believe in my love for you again? What have I done?