Flammable

Two posts in one day? That means there is a lot on my mind. This one may ramble and run on and not make a lot of sense but there is something that I need to work through.

Facebook can be your friend or it can be the messenger that you'd like to shoot between the eyes. I love connecting with new friends or reconnecting with old friends (and now that I'm nearly thirty they are all starting to get "old). It's neat to see what everyone is up to as long as they aren't talking about the dang Yankees. However, today the frivolity of Facebook took a turn from the superficialness of childhood to the heaviness of adulthood.

An invitation arrived in my inbox to an event that has been a decade in the making. I wish it was a NSYNC reunion tour but it isn't. A public apology is about to be issued by two people who really should have done it ten years ago. I'm sure some reacted to this news with an "it's about time" while others feel it is "too little too late." And there are those who take the middle ground that are willing to listen to the apology without any strings.

I don't know where I stand. On one hand it would be nice to be given an apology for every wound that resulted because of the selfish and hypocritical actions of a few people. On the other hand I have no need for a public apology because I forgave long ago because I refused them the power over me to embitter me to life and people. I don't need you to ask me to forgive you. I did for my own self preservation.

There are serious doubts that this apology will be sincere. Many signs point to this apology coming at a time that will result in personal accomplishment for this couple. Maybe it is part of a bucket list of sorts. Maybe it is a part of a To Do List that will put them back on the VIP list that they so loved previously. Maybe this really is the result of remorse, maturing, and guilt. I don't know. I won't know unless I go and listen to the apology.

I do feel though that a public apology is a cop out. There are those who deserve more personal apologies because the wounds were personally dealt. I'm not one of those who suffered direct hits, but I know of a few people who felt the sting. I suffered along side some of those who got wrecked with a lot of damage. Sincerity and a true repentance would require a personal apology to a few people I know.

I would like this chapter of my life to be closed. Every time it feels like it has come to an end and life will move on from it someone stirs the coals and breathes life into the dying embers. The problem with playing with fire is that sometimes those coals will ignite the materials nearby and a fire can rage out of control that you believe you are in charge of.

Such has been the case with this invitation. It began a flurry of responses that has left people judging and criticizing. Those coals that laid dormant have resurfaced and the fire is quickly finding fuel and it may soon consume and destroy. The problem is there was a nasty fire ten years ago and some of this fuel will easily go up in flames.

Is this what being an adult is all about? Spending a decade reeling from the decisions of those in your life? Will 2010 bring about a new set of circumstances that in 2019 we'll be hoping to put to bed?

Echoes

Children race through their childhood. The sound of their laughter reverberating down the halls of learning, experiencing, and growing. The voices of adults ricochet through the same halls as they impart wisdom and guidance. Music dances weaving the soul. Happiness flows as every moment is taken for granted.

Now the echoes of memories bounce around the empty halls. The lessons that were passed on seem to be hypocritical in their message. The music paused and then skipped before eventually dying out. The abundant happiness was soaked up and discarded without thought that it may be endangered.

Years later the building that once housed the delight of children, the accomplishment of students, the fulfillment of relationship is now an empty carcass, holding nothing but the echoes. The echoes of once was. The hardest lessons came not amidst the laughter or the stories, but in the pain that each student experienced. Life became the lesson and those who once tutored became inadequate at offering the wisdom to survive the overwhelming tides that ebb and flow. Where life once existed now only memories whisper.

Minds strive to remember the happy memories. Our ears strain in hopes of recapturing the simplicity, the joy, the contentment. It'd be so much easier to go back to that place and freeze time than to return to the carcass and see what was eaten away by greed, selfishness, hate, and pain.

We can't exist with the echoes of the past. They'll fade. For some they've already faded. They're gone and forgotten. For others they are as fresh as the day they happened, like an instant replay that never pushes forward to the future. The echoes are amplified by some as they attempt to drag others back to exist in that time with them. Others have silenced the echoes beneath anger and pain.

The echoes for me are the hardest lessons that I've learned to date. Many days existed with tears and pain. I angered easily when I thought of all I'd lost and I saddened at the dreams that dissipated when my world ended. I overcame the echoes. I moved past them, taking with me the wisdom imparted by life. I captured happiness from its unfailing well. I've learned to make music of my own so that the notes never fade. I live a life that rose forth from the suffering. The pain left a scar that reminds me of all that I've seen and encourages me that I'll overcome the next lesson.

I'll never revisit those halls and recapture the feelings that existed when I walked them a carefree child. I'm no longer carefree. I was thrust into the world that shoveled cares on my shoulders. I walk those halls and choose to listen to the echoes of the memories that can make me smile. I'll never forget the lessons that I've learned but I choose the memories that don't resonate with pain.