Social Media behavior IRL

"I'd like my friends a lot better if we weren't friends on Facebook."

If we behaved in person as we do in Facebook:

A) Let me share something with you and then like it. It's like stating the same thing twice. I like this dress. I like this dress. 

Irritating isn't it? If I ignored the fact you shared it, you probably shouldn't like it to attempt to bring it to my attention where I'll ignore it for a second time.

B) "I'm so tired and my body hurts but I washed every piece of fabric in the house today, bought groceries for the next year, cleaned my house to hospital standards, and the kids now speak twelve languages." Translated it means "praise me for my awesomeness while I pretend like I'm not begging for a standing ovation." 

See me not like your post which is oozing false modesty. If you actually said it to me, I'd ask if you think you earned a gold star or a cookie. Posting it on social media isn't going to lessen the transparent attempts at back patting.

C) Spouse posting on spouse's wall. "Have I told you today I love you?"

If you have to ask then I am going to recommend you find a good marriage counselor. Stop posting it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagam, etc. Look your spouse in the eye and tell them you love them. I promise you they would rather hear it than read it. Why? Because the eyes don't lie but the internet does. Don't waste the energy writing a post when someone is waiting to hear the words.

D) Message everyone and their brother's cousin's nephew's sister's babysitter.

If you text me in a group message, it'll get deleted quickly. If you have a message for me, please send it to me and not the entire world. 500 people on Facebook don't appreciate being part of a message thread. The first message might have been important but all the subsequent are probably irritating. I'm going to miss important facts when I leave the conversation which I'll do faster than a speeding bullet.

E) "I've had a really bad day and I can't talk about it, but I'd like it if I could get off this ride now."

You are screaming for attention. If you don't want to talk about it, don't post about it. If you called me and said "something horrible happened but I can't talk about it." I would ask you why you bothered to bring it up. If you don't have the guts to say something then don't even make like you want to. 

I don't beg. If you want to discuss something, I'll let you bring up the subject. If you don't want to talk about it then I'm going to tell you Stella's latest trick. 

F) "I woke up this morning after having great dreams last night." "My coffee was amazing." "My drive into work took ten minutes longer than usual." "I got to work and am drinking my second cup of coffee." "The boss just got here. Let me pretend like I'm working." "Lunch time already? Should I have a salad or rice cakes?" "This afternoon is dragging." "I just had my fourth cup of coffee." "Should I cut my hair?" "I'm thinking about getting a new car." "Wow! Today flew by. Time to go home." "Stuck in traffic and I almost got caught picking my nose." 

Translation: I'm a narcissist with too much time on my hands. 

If you called or texted me as often as social media got updated, I'd be banning your number. I don't have time for a play-by-play. Stick to the highlights. It keeps people interested. By the third or fourth update, people have lost their interest. By the seventh or eighth, people don't care. A couple of days later and you'll be unfriended.

G) "I'm selling this amazing new product. See me post about it fifteen times a day."

G&F are closely related. However, if you are trying to run a home business, your friends and family might become your best customers. They aren't likely to support you if they've hidden you for repetitiveness. Mix it up. 

H) In a past life I was a donkey's saddle with a Spanish flare from the 70's.

Personality quizzes should be posted in moderation. They are the same as chain mail. I'm so glad most people have stopped forwarding "Open within ten minutes and you'll be financially secure for the rest of your life." Those got deleted without being opened. 

I) Phone buzzes with a text/ "Did you see my Facebook post?"  

If it is important enough for me to need to know, then make the effort to let me know. Social Media is like a billboard. If you have a message, only those travelling the road see the billboard. This doesn't mean you should post to every platform. It means important information shouldn't be shared utilizing inconsequential media platforms.

J) Share everyone else's photos and status updates, but never share anything about you.

This seems to oppose the argument in I, but why should I be friends with you on social media if you aren't represented. Post about yourself. Don't post every ten minutes. Don't only post about one topic. Don't be vague. If you are proud your child won the spelling bee, then let the world know. However I don't want to know if your neighbor's cat's mother's lizard is missing. 

K) Treating your profile like you are an unofficial member of the news media.

Life is happening all around us. The world today seems intent on imploding. While we all should be aware of current events, don't just share a thousand links from news outlets. Have an opinion besides "OMG!" Otherwise I'm going to believe you are an educated adult aware of the world around you. I have no need for a Facebook Tom Brokaw. I also have no desire of proof you aren't an educated adult. 

L) "I have the best family, house, car, pets, wardrobe, friends, plants, leaves on the trees outside, kitchen sink." Thus Facebook tells us. However, a phone call paints a different picture. 

If you are going to be on social media, be real! Because your friends might begin to wonder if you are a liar or determined to keep up with the Joneses. I'm far less likely to be happy for my friends when they don't appear to be telling the truth. There is a fine line of honesty in social media. Don't oversell or undersell. Stop selling! Try being yourself. 

M) "When is my life  not going to suck? It has been 124612154622134589621335 days since I've smiled."

Straight talk. I only have so much patience for negative people in my life. I feel obligated to listen to my friends who are on the phone or sitting across from me. Social media makes it very easy to press mute. If life is handing you a tough time, find a way to make something positive out of it. 

N) Let social media become the only way you stay in touch with your friends. 

N saddens me the most. I don't feel the need to call my friends because I know everything about them from Facebook. Most of my friends are represented in this list. The saddest part is close friends aren't close anymore because social media is killing the art of friendship. What used to be beautiful and organic is plotted and manipulated. The song of long conversations has been silenced for 140 characters.

O) "Some people need to learn how to treat others. You know WHO you ARE after all I'm commenting TWO seconds after you posted a STATUS update."

Don't pretend to have the balls to call someone on the carpet for something if you are only going to do it on social media. Social media is not a clothes line so stop airing the dirty laundry.  Be an adult and a human and deal with it one-on-one. I won't respect what you are saying if you say it on social media. It'll get ignored.

P) Retweet "You are so awesome and the prettiest, loveliest, kindest, most talented person to ever person."

If someone has something kind to say to you, respond by and show your appreciation. Favorite it. Don't retweet it. Your ego grew two sizes and I'm searching for a pin to pop the bubble.

The art of being a human is slowing becoming a lost art. We are now social media shadows of ourselves.

It Is 2015.

There is something refreshing about New Year's Day. It isn't the day off from work or the Rose Parade.

January 1st brings the feeling of a reset button being hit. 365 loom ahead full of possibility and potential. There is room for hopes and dreams. There are more days to make it a great year than to wish it away.