This Gift

I hold in my hand a gift. A part of me desires to give it to you but another part of me fights to hold onto it. My other hand reaches over and covers it up.

I look at it once again before looking over at you. This gift is too fragile to just hand over with careless abandon. It will not take much to break it. It is a tender gift and the concept of bestowing it to you is a terrifying thought.

Will you guard it with the abandon that I have? Would you treasure it? Will you make this gift the most important entity in your life? Would you value it for its whole worth?

Do you understand how delicate it is? Crystal has nothing on the frailty of my gift. This gift can only take so much of a beating. It will rebound but eventually it will shatter if not guarded properly.

You look in my eyes and I see understanding shining in them. The realization of the severity of such a gift makes you nervous. Slowly your confidence returns. I open my hand and impart my gift to you. You devote yourself to caring for it endlessly. I sigh in relief as I dedicate my heart to you.

I Am Blessed

Slowly I awake from my slumber. My senses become alive and I turn to look at you. I know exactly where you are, you are always there. Moonlight provides the backdrop as I adjust to the darkness to make out your profile. Your chest rises and falls with each breath as vital to me as it is to you.

A smile makes its way to my face as I recognize what the man beside me means to me. Your eyes that are shut to the world know will be dancing with the love of life when you open them. My hand slowly brushes your cheek. You moan before turning to rest your head on the palm of my hand. The face of the man that I love is now framed in my hands. It is as beautiful in the darkness as it is in sunlight. This face that when smiling could light up a town in a blackout. This face that shows truth and sincerity could cause even the biggest cynic to trust.

Your hand reaches out to touch mine. These hands are so strong and yet so gentle. They aren't afraid of hard work or the caresses of an infant. My eyes travel down the body that reposes next to me. That body that has given me countless hours of protection. Wrapped in those toned arms the world only consists of two people.

You stir. Mumbling my name you pull me into those arms of refuge and love. I settle in to sleep away the rest of the night. Reinforced in my mind night after night as I study you is this, I am blessed.

A Dream? A Reality?

Ever wonder what dreams are all about? I don't mean the kind you have while you are sleeping I mean the burning desire to accomplish something so great that it drives you to pursue it. I have a dream, a wish, a fantasy. I want to write a book not just any book, a book to help people. A book that tells them they are not alone. A collection of words buried in truth to help them overcome pain and suffering while sharing the joy and laughter.

My wish consists not of money, fame, or power but of a young girl that might one day write me a letter. She might be a lot like me or she might be my complete opposite at that age. The words of the letter could be spelled wrong or maybe in a different language but the meaning would still hold true. It may be written in crayon on a piece of Lisa Frank stationary. Her letters might be deformed and her words crooked but the content would ring loud and clear bringing me more gratification than any accomplishment in the world.

She would thank me for having the courage to bear my soul to the world. The strength to show my personal pain, suffering and weakness while rejoicing in the triumphs of success and joy. Answers to questions some dare not voice and fears that some will never acknowledge are splashed across pages that she read late at night as she shed her own tears.

If she gave one example of how my life and writings changed hers my life would be worth all the pain and all the suffering I have endured.

Changes

Come so quickly and in some ways so wonderfully, however this time change is met with a new feeling-fear.

Fear has washed over me. I should not be scared of something new after all I love change. At least I have always claimed to love it. It is not like I am not used to change after this past year. My life has been changed so drastically in the past year that this might be a positive new outlook.

In some ways a change could be bad or it could be good. It would change the way I approached day to day living while altering my lifestyle completely. Relationships, work, friends all is on the line depending on which path I choose to take.

The fear though spreads farther that just which choice do I make. A lot is riding on this. I mean I would be moving the length of the country. Leaving behind my family and new friends and distancing myself from my dearest friends by a thousand more miles at least. I am scared to leave. I am hurting too much to stay.

I wish there was a clear cut answer somewhere. I can't seem to find one though. The pros and cons balance each other out, the benefits equal the drawbacks, the future would be as unsure as the past was unsteady.

I need to swallow this fear and yet I can't. It is not that I don't want to it is that there is something stopping me. I can't describe it or deny it.

Final Fantasy

Often my mind wanders to a dream, a vision, the idea of how it might be, a picture of you and what the future holds. My mind travels as I imagine the moments I will spend with you. I try and paint the scene to capture and bottle the emotions. The shock to my body is intense when your skin meets mine. The rainbow that will appear with the presence of your smile. The song that will begin playing in time with the beat and echo of your breathing. My mind takes flight as I lose myself in the thought of you and the will be. The anticipation that will course through my veins while my heartbeat intensifies as you draw closer. I feel content as my thoughts consume knowing peace and fulfillment will one day wash over me.

As your eyes meet mine for the first time I am rocked to the core. That was my final fantasy as fantasy becomes reality with you more incredible than any dream could create.