More baseball observations

• Pitchers tend to get wedgies or at least it looks like they have perpetual wedgies.
• Baseball players cock their hips more than Elle Woods (Legally Blonde)
• Baseball unis aren't flattering at all.
• NESN is officially my favorite channel. They just showed a montage of disagreements between Boston and NY sports teams.
  
• Baseball is so much more exciting when they fight.
• Dustin Pedroia is adorable.
• He probably takes offense to being called adorable.
• "Oh my gosh. Pitchers hitting what a joke."
• A baseball players game may be improved upon with ballet lessons.
  

More in common that "ing"

Dating and interviewing-I’ve come to the realization that a first date and an interview have too much in common.  I don’t particularly care for doing either.

Both can be highly stressful because you’re walking into unchartered territory.  There is a good chance that in both cases you’ll be completely out of your element.  With dating there is a chance that both of you will be out of your element but that is not guaranteed nor the case with interviewing.  You arrive for a job interview and you’re on their home turf.  The air is energized in their favor and you’re the underdog.  (Maybe this is why the Super Bowl is played at a scheduled field and not in a team’s home stadium.  I digress.) 

Before the commencement of the interview/date is the prep work.  This usually (and hopefully) includes a bit more care with personal hygiene.  Before my interview the other day, I did Mary Kay Satin Hands & Lips, shaved my legs, mowed the eyebrows, a moisturizing face mask (also MK if you must know), plucked a few stray hairs that wandered down to the facial zone, and washed the clothes I planned to wear.  While watching the Red Sox beat the Jays I touched up the paint job on my nails (hands and feet!) and treated my cuticles.  I debated trying to get in to see the hairdresser but alas there wasn’t time so I crossed my fingers that I would have a good hair day. 

The morning of requires an extra allotment of time in the bathroom.  It usually isn’t a problem getting the aforementioned extra minutes because sleep is an elusive dream the night before.  Panic about oversleeping or forgetting something or having just the right words to say prevents a drifting into la la land.  So you start the day a bit more tired than you should and with a little extra baggage under the eye that you fight with beauty products during that extra time in the bathroom.  

If you are lucky you can migrate directly from your prep time to your date/interview.  There is a chance though that you’ll make an extended pit stop along the way like to your current sentence to jail.  You’ll spend all day trying to figure out how to explain why your current job or former date (and not current date because that is priggish behavior) isn’t working out without sounding like that whiney toddler from Rugrats.  You’ll be distracted and hoping that no one suspects just in case you don’t wow them or you forgot deodorant and they don’t dare to meet with you again.  No one needs time to consider their surroundings and to wonder if they are out of their league.  This place is too professional.  I've only ever flipped burgers.  He's too good-looking to date a woman like me.  

PSA:  While you only get one chance to make a first impression it is important to remember not to judge because sometimes the best presents come in packages that are entirely misleading.  End of PSA 

Eventually we get to the main event.  It is the scheduled time in which you put your best foot forward and go out there and get ‘em, tiger.  The universe has worked against you all day in attempts to prevent you from arriving calm, cool, and collected.  Traffic was horrible.  Every red light came out in your honor, causing you to worry it was an omen.  You miss your turn and wonder if you should keep going in the wrong direction.  You give yourself a mental pinch and when that doesn’t work you wind up for a strong mental slap and arrive.  Every inspiring quote you can remember is muttered as you finally leave the car.  Game on!

You get one chance to leave a first impression.  Bugger.  What if your collar took on a mind of its own and isn’t straight.  Why don’t lobbies have mirrors so you can check these things?  You’ve spit the gum out so you don’t look like a cow while talking to the person who could ultimately change your life, but try to keep that minty fresh feeling with a breath mint that clashes flavor with the gum.  What really is the difference between spearmint, peppermint, and wintergreen?  Doesn’t matter you hope your tongue doesn’t go numb or your mouth dry in protest from the breath fresheners you’ve shoved in there in the past twenty minutes.  You wipe your sweaty palms hoping you don’t have to shake too many peoples hands.  

If you’re lucky there is no wait.  You go straight from your car to the meeting.  You don’t have to sit in a quiet lobby, mentally reviewing your game plan.  You just jump in headfirst.  You don’t want too much time to have a conversation with yourself because yourself is often the person with the bad ideas that get you into trouble.  You don’t want to be talked out of going in there and showing them what you’ve got.  

Suddenly it is that moment.  You’re primed and ready for this.  You’re the best candidate they’ll see.  You’re the whole package and they’d be a fool not to see it.  Handshake number one and the customary “it’s nice to meet you.”  That is out of the way.  Now comes the getting to know you part.  Are they going to ask questions that I want to answer?  Are they going to ask questions that I can answer?  Am I talking too loud?  Too much?  Too quietly?  Did I answer the question?  Did you see that painting on the wall that would look great over the couch.  Pay attention!  I hope they don’t ask about my current situation.  Oh man!  They asked the question about my worst trait.  Can I lie?  Nah, I’ve got to give them something.  Who expects an honest answer to this question.  “Well, to be honest with you I am terrifically lazy and leave a job before I get fired.”  “Do I mind working overtime?  Not at all.  Whatever I can do to help the team.”  Of course I don’t want to be here more than I have to.  Are you crazy.  What kind of fool do you take me for work pays the bills and play makes it all worthwhile.  Don’t talk too much about what you hate out of employers.  Don’t talking about the ex because you might tear up.  Don’t mention that he cheated on you because you work too much.  Definitely don’t bring up that all your huge fights were over money and the fact that you have a shopping problem.  The problem is that you don’t have enough money to do it as much as you’d like.  It’s best to not mention the jealous ex that you had to take a restraining order out on because that might scare him away.  Would it be considered too forward if I mentioned how many kids I want so that if he doesn’t want any we don’t waste time?  I hope he wants kids because genes that good need to be shared. 

And then it is over.  This time you offer a bit of gratitude with the customary “pleasure to meet you.”  If you don’t want to be too pushy you offer up a “hope to hear from you soon.”  Then comes the awkward what is expected.  A kiss on the cheek?  A handshake?  A “we’ll call you later this week.”  What is appropriate?  Crap!  Why isn’t Miss Manners here to tell me what to do.  So you opt for a quick trigger of all of them to keep all the bases covered so as to not fail expectations.  Then you get out of there.

For the first time you take a deep breath.  You survived.  You lived through it.  Now you have to figure out if you want to do it again.  Would Round 2 be appealing or is it time to walk away while you’re still ahead of the count?  If Round 2 is something you wish for then you may analyze every moment over and over for the next few days.  You consider each question and response.  You mull over each lull in conversation.  You wonder if there was anything in your teeth or did you have a bugger hanging off the end of your nose.  Did you choose the right shoes or did they convey the wrong thing about you?  Would a kitten heel have been professional and conservative or was the four inch heel you wore screaming “tramp.”  Should you have said “no room for growth” instead of “had enough of that place?”  Next time there won’t be another meeting unless enough time is given to visit the hairdresser. 

Instant replay runs on a loop until either the phone rings asking for Round 2 or enough time has passed that your wounded ego has recovered and you’re prepping for another first meeting.  While your self-confidence cements itself again you may figure out why it didn’t work and realize that the fault lay in the other party.  Either way the first meeting is followed by nerves and a bit of worry with the possibility of the side effect of loss of sleep.  This can continue indefinitely until eventually Round 2 happens and gives way to Round 3 which eventually leads to Round 10 and then eventually you reach the point where you can’t remember the last time you shaved your legs and primping is a thing of the past.  When you reach that point you hope that everything sticks because otherwise you’re starting over at Round 1 again soon and you’re out of shape and need serious training to be able to go through all that again. 

Dating & Interviewing.  I’m not really a fan of either.  They are too stressful and it takes too long to get past that “first impression” and subsequent “proving yourself” to reach that stride when the true personality comes out.  That, my friends, is the true test.  When the butterflies have permanently vacated the stomachs and the herculean efforts to be perfect have finally proved to be futile.  I’d rather take my chances that someone will like the Round 15 me from the get go than disappoint them when we get to Round 15.  Course there is no way to avoid round 1 regardless of if you are looking for a job or Prince Charming.  So until I meet Prince Charming and he comes with a gazillion dollars so I no longer have to work then I guess I’ll go through Round 1s for a while.   

Photographic evidence

I love the Red Sox so they have the honor of proving some of my observations concerning baseball. All photos property of AP and ESPN.com.

Fenway Fun

1) Is it a prerequisite that baseball players chew sunflower seeds?

2) What if you don’t like sunflower seeds?

3) Is there a proper technique for the disposal of sunflower seeds? It appears to me that you just open your mouth and they fall out. No work required.

4) If they aren’t a sunflower seed spitter, they may be a gum chewer. Do they spit their gum like they do sunflower seeds?

5) Could that be why the running lanes are dirt so that if someone does spit their gum they can cover it so it doesn’t stick to the bottom of their cleats?

6) Is it just me or is baseball the only sport intent on making a fool out of its players? Pitchers cock their hips like women. They all routinely stick their butts in the air. Some wind up while at bat. They adjust themselves on national TV. They spin like tops when they “swing & miss.” And those faces... the throwing face, the stunned face, the victory face (or in Papelbon's case the victory body), and the intense faces. He he he heheheeeeeeeeeee *ahem* Sorry.

7) “Swing & a miss” is the most fun baseball term despite its overuse.

8) The Rookie is the most inspiring baseball movie.

9) I’ve only seen four baseball movies. Field of Dreams doesn’t make the top list because of Kevin Costner.

10) Rookie of the Year is the most fun. I’d like to think of baseball teams being like the team in ROTY towards the end- playing tricks on each other, hanging out, laughing.

11) If they aren’t having fun like the team is at the end and are more like the team in the beginning, then they shouldn’t be playing.

12) Why isn’t there a home run dance? Football has the touchdown dance.

13) Why do umps & refs take all the fun out of sports?

14) Why does baseball have umps when basketball, football, & hockey have refs?

15) How much fun is the word “umps?”

16) Anyone rewritten the Black Eyed Peas “My Humps” to a baseball edition of “My Umps?”

17) You must be very confident in yourself to be a baseball player. While sitting on the sidelines, attempting but failing to not look bored, most baseball players will be caught spitting, chewing their gum like cows, the aforementioned adjusting, biting your nails, swearing, throwing a tantrum like a toddler, or doing what guys do. The entire country could see this because if you make a big enough fool of yourself you’ll land on the highlight reels.

18) You may have to explain to your mother what you were doing on the aforementioned highlight reels. If so take it like a man and tell her the truth. Don’t try and pass it off as something it wasn’t.

19) Apparently there is a technique to adjusting that can’t be studied and learned. Perhaps it is a natural skill that is a signal to parents early on in life they have a ball player on their hands.

20) Minor league ball clubs are broken down by Class AA, or Class AAA which oddly enough is like bra sizes – double A and triple A.

21) Would it be wrong of me to suggest the correlation of the importance of cups to both baseball players and bras?

The Day After

Car accidents and hangovers, the second day is always more painful than the first.  This is the Jeep after its run in with Kamikaze Bambi.

Kamikaze Deer

While faithfully abiding by the rules as mentioned in yesterday's post there are variables that can ruin your day.

1)  Flat tire

2) Construction

3)  Freakin' kamikaze deer

In these cases you may be blissfully unaware of them until they occur.  You may be driving down the highway doing a safe (yet slightly faster than the speed limit but still SAFE!) 72 mph when the kamikaze deer appears from nowhere and slams into your passenger side.  It all my happen so quickly that you are unaware of what you hit.  You just know you hit something because you heard the thud and saw the debris as it snowed in your rearview mirror.  You may pull off to the side of the road as soon as is safely possible to assess the damage and remain unaware of what you hit, believing that maybe your car just spontaneously exploded.  It may take a coworker calling you to ask if that was you in front of them that massacred the baby Bambi.  It may take hours for your heart rate to slow and the soreness to set in.  

However, what truly ruins your day is the insurance company.

Avoiding Road Rage

1) Don't drive.

2) See #1

3) Do all you can to faithfully adhere to 1 & 2

All right so Gibb's two rules for life won't apply for driving. However, there are things to be done to avoid road rage. The following don't apply to preventing your anger during rush hour, but how not to piss off the commuters around you.

1) There are posted speed limits. Yes, you can receive a ticket for surpassing them, however consider them suggestions on what speed you should be doing. Falling too low on the speedometer is a guarantee to get at least one bird flipped at you.

2) If your vehicles in incapable of maintaining highway speeds then your vehicle should remain in the right hand lane. The left hand lane is known as the passing lane. This is not the lane to line up in for a parade. If there are more than two cars behind you within ten car lengths then this is a sign you need to merge into the right lane ASAP without causing an accident. No one appreciates it if you do the beauty queen wave while traveling in the passing lane. A good clue that perhaps you don't belong in the left lane is when people are passing you on the right.

3) If you can't walk and chew gum at the same time without bumping into things or the gum falling out of your mouth then it is pretty much guaranteed that you aren't an effective multi-tasker. Avoid the angry complaints of the car horns by putting down the phone, make-up, newspaper, Ipod, etc.

4) Every car comes equipped with a nifty feature called a blinker. This device can be used to alert other drivers of your intentions. This is helpful as a low percentage of the population is psychic and most who claim to be are usually wrong.

5) Blinkers are especially helpful if you tend to give off the wrong signals concerning your intentions. Example: you pull into the left lane to make a right turn. Turning your blinker on in this case alerts the drivers behind you that you may have obtained your license from a cracker jack box.

6) Attempting to correct your speed after you've spotted a cop is a pointless and irritating action. By the time you have seen the cop the cop has seen you Whether you get pulled over or not will depend more on his mood than the 3 mph that you managed to slow down.

7) If during the course of your travels you end up going in the wrong direction or miss your turn you have a multitude of options at your disposal. U turns can be safely done in approved locations. If it is posted No U turns then it would be in your best interest to not attempt because there is a reason that U turns are prohibited in that spot. If you are in the wrong lane when you approach your turn or exit ramp, only merge into the right lane if it is safe to do so. By safe to do so I mean that your abrupt arrival into the correct lane shouldn't require every other driver to slam on their breaks to make room for you. This will cause a flurry of impolite gestures and words to be volleyed your way.

8) If you are attempting to turn left onto a street that is highly congested take note. No one will appreciate it if you slowly nose your way onto the road and force traffic to stop until someone is nice enough to allow you to go. Find the nearest light and use the light to force the other commuters into allowing you back into traffic or be patient and wait for a break in traffic.

9) Cutting someone off and then going slower in front of them because you realized how close they came to hitting you because of your apparent lack of intelligence isn't going to earn you brownie points. As a matter of fact take yourself right back to Driver's Ed because clearly you shouldn't be on the road.

10) Your brakes don't appreciate being woekn up from a nap abruptly. Everything works better if given a casual build up. Baseball players don't take the field before stretching. Slamming on your brakes is an annoyance to everyone around you. A good majority of the time there is no need for it (unless rule number 3 applies to you).

11) You can pay out the butt for a car that tells everyone you are someone and you make money. The rest of the world will only laugh at you if you manage to turn it into an accordian within a year. Just because you can afford a car that goes from 0-60 in less than ten seconds doesn't mean you need to prove it every time you take to the road. The people who truly care will be appropriately impressed when they see it and the rest of us who don't care won't be impressed just because you flew by us at dangerous speeds or cut us off.

12) If you are so important that you can't be late to your meeting - GET UP FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER and get out the door giving yourself plenty of time to arrive to your meeting on time. A traffic accident will only delay your arrive (if you make it there at all) and cost you money in the long run.

13) If you are bumper to bumper with the car in front of you don't get upset when your coffee gets spilled because they slowed down to turn. Take responsibility for your coffee and give them enough room to tap their brakes without requiring you stand on yours.

Abiding by such simple rules will make commutes for everyone that much more pleasurable for yourself and everyone around while preventing the smashing of your car.

Lord of the Rings

I love all things hobbit, elven, ranger, dwarf, and Tolkien.  I'm guilty of seeing each movie at least double digits in the theater and I've had more than one Lord of the Rings marathon since they've come out on DVD.  I couldn't get enough.  I'd soak it up and want more.  I tried to convert all the ignorant to embrace the fabulousness of all things Tolkien.  Eventually though life got in the way and Pirates of the Caribbean came out and my LOTR collection began preventing dust from collecting beneath its cases on my  DVD shelf.

For the first time in a year I put in a LOTR movie.  Return of the King made its way into the DVD player last night.  I was reminded why I fell in love with them in the first place.  I cried, cheered, and laughed as if it was my first time seeing it.  (Had anyone been able to see me sitting on the couch with a couple of cats, crying my eyes out they'd have thought me crazy.) 

There are so many wonderful facets to LOTR.  My favorite though has to be the sum of its parts.  There is no super hero to save the day.  There is no larger than life, bitten by a radioactive spider, stronger than steel, faster than a speeding bullet, acid dipped, underwear on the outside of his tights, cape wearing hero that rights the wrongs.  It is a fellowship formed from friendship and duty that face the evil together.  Even the practically perfect elf isn't perfect as he deals with doubt, but they press on.  The smallest can be a hero right alongside the heir.  It’s the sum of its parts that are successful and perfection doesn't play a part.  Loyalty fuels them.  Friendship encourages them.  Perseverance conquers. 

Sam is without a doubt my favorite hobbit.  Merry and Pippin provide the lightness that endear a hobbit to one.  Frodo shows us that there is more to a hobbit than meets the eye (or knees if you consider their height).  Sam though is faithful.  Sam remains loyal despite being tossed aside by Frodo.  He shows up and repeatedly saves Frodo's increasingly led astray butt.  Sam fights side by side with Frodo when Frodo fights and fights for Frodo when Frodo throws in the towel.  Frodo wouldn't have been successful without Sam.  He's the unsung hero and one of my favorite moments from ROTK is when Sam comes to Frodo's rescue again after the orcs get him in Mordor.  His shadow is more menacing than his stature and yet he overcomes.  I can't help but cheer because it is those moments that count. 

Through it all not one of them is perfect.  They each face their own demons, doubt, self worth issues.  Yet they each have faith in each other that the others will be there.  Through it all they trust that their rescue will come at the hands of their friends.  The sum of its parts beats out needing one perfect hero and together they are victorious.

A lesson the 18-1 Patriots should have learned.  Maybe Coach Bill needs to consider new video footage.  I digress though.

King Theoden has the most poignant lines in my opinion.  In Two Towers he stands preparing for battle and questions why he is asking his men to fight.  What has he done to demand their loyalty.  There is a great exchange that just cuts deep.  (I'll have to find the time to type it all out but it resonates.)  Then in ROTK King Theoden is dying and he talks of going to the halls of his fathers where he'll know no shame.  Gets me every dang time.  Because that ladies and gentleman is what it is ultimately about.  Despite his concerns and sometimes lack of faith in what he is doing and why, he'll face his "fathers" and stand proud.  Such great symbolism and if you don't get it I'm sure I'll be returning to this topic because I can't let it go.      

       

Who needs a doctorate to study cloning

Considering I spelled that "clonging" the first time it is a good thing I'm not doing the type of cloning that requires a doctorate.  

On a principle basis I am opposed to photo editing.  I like to do superficial transformations to my pictures but those changes usually just make my pictures look surreal.  They don't improve upon the original print.  It's like coloring your hair opposed to plastic surgery.  However as my photographs are being used on a larger scale now I've been more critical of them.  I liked the technicalities of this shot however it needed more in order to be used.  

The first picture is the original.  The second picture I edited using a program that allowed me to clone.  I completely altered the original to give the photo more subject matter.  In less than ten minutes I had a picture that barely resembled the original.  

And then I started thinking about altering.  Altering life.  Altering hair color.  Altering myself.  Would I alter myself to be more up to standard?  I added additional tulips to "increase interest" in the photo.  What would I do to myself to alter other's perception of me?  Would I make changes to be more marketable?  

I've never been one to swim in the mainstream.  I actually tend to avoid the mainstream because it lacks originality.  What is the point of being like everyone else.  I hate when someone says "I'm just like every other *fill in the blank* you know."  Why would you want to be?  See right there you tend to lose appeal to me.  I'd rather you be an original/unique *fill in the blank* than just like everyone else.

I still dislike editing my photos.  What you see isn't the truth but my version of the way things appear.  I've misled you to believe there were more tulips than there were.  I've told you a lie that you'll believe is the truth and I've backed it with evidence.  Evidence that is fabricated but your eyes wouldn't lie to you would they?   

Long Island

Why do people get all dressed up to go lose their money at the casino?

If you're going to lose your shirt at the casino wouldn't you want it to be the ratty one from 1989 that smells of moth balls?

Signs you know you're an old fart:  when you comment on the pathetic state of today's youth and their education by stating "When I was a kid...."  

Why does a dog smell worse after having a bath than he did before the bath?

A sign that you need to brush up on your parenting skills:  it is 9:30 at night and you take your 3 children under the age of 4 to TGIFridays for dinner.

A sign that parenting might not be for you:  you don't see the problem with the aforementioned sign.

Bacon & chocolate works.

Lemon, pepper, & white chocolate doesn't.

The grass for Easter baskets grows on rocks on Long Island (see evidence below).

Ferry rides are excellent.  Ferry rides with sailors are awesome!

For the price of a ticket to Disney I spent 24 hours doing nothing and that magical.  

Another sign you know you're an adult:  you can't sleep past 8 no matter how hard you try.  Your body just refuses to let you.  

Doctors say ‘the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body, and the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body’. That tells me only left-handers are in their right mind. William Francis "Spaceman" Lee Boston Red Sox Pitcher I like the way this guy thinks.