Because my mind won't shut up

and people keep doing things to set off more thoughts.

There are days I wish I could sit down and speak with Adam Cappa. He's very caught up in posting about relationships. While I admire his focus on God, he has a running theme regarding relationship memes.

I know my confidence comes from God. My parents raised me to read my Bible and attend church not plaster boybands on my walls and attend concerts. They wanted my foundation to be in Christ. They never wanted my identity to be bound to another human being.

Apparently though my confidence/strength in God has caused an intimidating personality. I'm still trying to find a Biblical answer to balance out confidence in Christ and an approachable spirit. I'm not even sure how to identify the two aspects. I can't say kindness or gentleness because I do believe I possess those traits. Apparently I am only a threat to guys interested in dating me. Despite my insecurities I apparently don't need to lose some weight or dress differently to be physically attractive. If I was diagnosed properly the other day, it isn't my physical body at all which is the deterrent. It is me - the inner workings of my mind, the character traits I've acquired, and the knowledge I've gained.

Insecurity says it isn't the outside which isn't please to men; it is the inside.

Which blows everything out of the water for me. Because while I've been fighting the physical attraction battle. Apparently I should lay down my sword and surrender because I need a guy who is going to react phyically to me because everything else isn't a good package.

The cartwheels are now somersaults.

Damsel In Distress

otherwise known as working things out in my head.

I haven't been reading much recently. First there hasn't been much time. Work has been beyond busy. Second honestly despite some of my favorite authors having new releases, I am just not interested.

I'm still working on a project, but I'm stalled. It isn't writer's block, but a lack of focus. The completion of this project probably won't reduce the terrifying aspect of me nor have me branded a hopeless romantic.

In the same conversation I was informed I am terrifying, I was also told I am not a romantic. Oddly enough I began to think about many of the books I immerse myself in. I enjoy almost everything by Susan May Warren and I enjoyed the The Heart of a Hero series. A romantic heart does beat in my chest. I also find though many woman can write romantic stories which can captivate a woman.

Let's lay it on the line though. Most authors don't write books about 5'10" sturdy girls (aka not Victoria Secret model material) who know more about football than most men. When you factor in the independence and confidence, you don't have a good damsel in distress. If an author writes about a woman nearly six feet tall then the male lead is at minimum 6'2". A lot of the times the male lead is almost a foot taller than the female lead and strong. He's the anchor when the wind threatens to blow her anorexic butt off the ground.

Then you have some type of tragedy which sends the girl into DID (damsel in distress) mode. A death, car accident, horrible break up, etc are the catalyst for the woman needing a man to be her strength. I'd rather not have to attend a funeral for a guy to witness my tears and swoop in and save me. I can't think of who I'd sacrifice in order to gain a Prince Charming.

Where are the stories about a relationship which occurs organically? Why does true love only happen after someone has been kidnapped? Why must my soul mate be waiting for me at the site of a plane crash?

You're confident.

Can I tell you a secret? I was told my confidence is intimidating to the male species. The secret is I'm confident despite my many insecurities.

A friend informed me I scare him and I terrify a friend of his. I've spent weeks trying to wrap my mind around why. The other day I was told it is because I'm confident. Apparently confidence is one of those PC answers people give when asked what they find sexy in someone they are attracted to. It sounds good when you say it, but when confronted with someone who is confident most people have no idea what to do. The Knights in Shining Armor seek out their Damsels in Distress because it strokes the male ego.

The truth of the matter is I'm confident, but a lot of my confidence comes from the reality of I live without being someone's other half. I was raised to not seek the approval of others. My parents brought me up to honor God in all I do. Which means I haven't changed myself in order to gain the attention of someone I'm attracted to. My purpose in life is not to land a man, but to bring glory to God. In thirty-four years I've spent more time handling everything than I have being taken care of.

Side story: I was about 25 when a woman well into her forties wanted to know if I was married. I told her I wasn't. She wanted to know if I was engaged. I told her I wasn't. She wanted to know how long I had been with my boyfriend. I told her I didn't have one. She was amazed because I was "so content" for being single. I was completely baffled at the time. She was on a date with one of my co-workers who she met while she was on a date with someone else. She left with my co-worker while her date was in the bathroom. I couldn't relate to her at all.

Tonight I'm sitting here as my thoughts do a complete floor routine in my head. When I think I've got it all figured out I realize I'm cartwheeling and my feet are off the ground.

A few months ago I was introduced to a guy. He seemed like a great guy. We had great conversation and a great time when we were together. However, I could tell I was too much for him. My "confidence" was overwhelming to him. He needed someone who needed him as badly as he needed them. There was an awfully lot of needy in there. I wasn't the girl for him. I was upfront with him from the beginning about who I was, but he seemed convinced we'd be a good match. Until I didn't live up to the picture he had in his head. He disappeared in a cloud of dust. Didn't even bother to tell me why or let me know we'd be better of as friends. He simply went radio silent.

My confidence took a hit. Even though I knew we weren't going to be a forever couple, it hurts when you are rejected even if you know it is the right decision. However, it has set me into a tailspin. Because there is a guy who I could see myself spending a significant amount of time with and it having a different outcome. However, I guess I'd have to tone down who I am if I want him to approach me. Which I can't do. I briefly tried to be someone I wasn't and it didn't work for very long.

The truth is I want to be cared for. In some ways that does mean a mutual needing of each other. However, my confidence is a shield. Let's be honest. It is the truly cocky people who lack insecurity. It is the people who walk around believing they are better than everyone else who don't throw up shields. They have other issues to deal with. I do want someone despite at the moment not needing someone. It wouldn't be me though if I ran around throwing myself in the way of a runaway car so I could be rescued.

My confidence is my shield because it does hurt knowing the next few days I am going to be alone. It is lonely to a certain level. While I can enjoy some peace and quiet and maybe put the mental brakes on, the silence can grow deafening. It is painful to know there isn't someone out there who is willing to set aside some time to watch a movie or go to the store with me. No one is going to call because they simply want to be near me. Most of my friends are already with their families. The others will soon be so they are in the rush of holiday planning. The reality is I have to accept these facts. I could sit here and cry about it, but what will it accomplish? Someone won't magically appear to wipe my tears.

So rather than cry tears which will flow unseen, I'll remember I don't need a guy to affirm who I am. I'm not really terrifying. I'm just terrified to give in to the sadness which would overwhelm me if I dwelled on the empty space next to me.

The truth is I wish there was someone next to me. Someone wanting to be there. I wish someone would see beyond the confidence to the girl who would appreciate being cared for. However, I want them to want me for who I am and not for the less-confident-but-more-attractive version I sometimes consider conforming myself into.

This my friends is my confidence conundrum.