The month of June was not a great month for me. At least it wasn't for the part of me that is dictated by my human nature was rocked to the core.
On June 15th I was informed that I'd be laid off from my job. There is a long back story and while the lay off wasn't much of a shock the reasoning behind their decision to lay me off was. I was informed I wasn't good enough. Major blow that I had to come to terms with. As I struggled to understand how I wasn't good enough despite my reviews and the wonderful recommendation letters I received, I was already wounded so I believed them.
A week before I found out that I'd be laid off, I was bored. A bored me is a thing to be frightened of. Usually I just contact one of my good friends and we plot and plan worldwide domination and then we get distracted and life goes on. I digress. This is what happens when I get distracted. Back to my point. In the midst of my boredom I decided I'd give online dating a shot. Or not really a shot. More like a quick peek from my peripheral so no one would know I was looking. I was rejected on online dating too.
The part of me running completely on my human nature immediately began licking my wounds. I painted on my brave face and struck out to face the world. The online dating rejection or "ODR" as we are going to call it wasn't exactly public knowledge. The lay off was. I couldn't exactly hide that as I began packing my four dozen photos from my cubicle to take home. And for a few weeks I had to face people who expressed their sympathy for my circumstances. Yet, I pretended that it didn't hurt.
I'm a liar. It did hurt. Because I failed to measure up both professionally and personally. There was something wrong with me that made my company discard me and guys fail to find me attractive. So I stewed and I contemplated. About the time I was preparing to move to a country with far less blondes than the US (joking!), I grasped on to one simple truth. God wanted me!
He wanted me when He created the world and plopped Adam and Eve in paradise. He wanted me He sent His Son to die for my sins. He wanted me when I weighed my options between what the world offered and what He offered and I chose the world. He wanted me when I repented and He wanted me when I did it again. He wanted me when corporate America didn't. He wanted me when some single dude with a cracked out user name didn't. He wants me today. He'll want me tomorrow.
The other lesson that I learned was that while my employer might have told me I wasn't good enough, I had the proof that I was. I didn't need to believe their lies. My brain accepted their lies and through the tears I struggled to understand. When I stepped away and didn't listen to their harsh words but saw their agenda, I knew that their lies were unfounded. I had done all asked of me and then some. I wouldn't give them the power to stifle my confidence.
So to the world I may not be their definition of desirable. I'm not employed today and Facebook says I'm single but God says He wants me. So I'm going to grasp on to Him because He has great plans for me.
