Fear and Indecision

The sun sets bringing to close yet another day. A peaceful calm reigns in a kingdom made of my belongings, treasures, and memories. The outward stillness gives no indication to the inner war that battles.

My body is still as my mind races in too many different directions to make any progress. There are decisions to be made. How do I make the right decision? What is the wisest thing for me to do? Where will I go? What should I do? What is more important happiness or success?

My heart deals with a different battle. My dreams are they attainable? I have been told they are unrealistic. Is this true? What are my dreams? I have so many are they all reachable? Dreams of love, success, happiness, enjoyment, and bliss flash in my mind as I try to pick one. They are supposedly not interchangeable, no matter what you have to sacrifice something.

My heart and mind hold their battles. Logic and imagination wage a war. Fear and comfort duel courage and unknown. Knowledge fights the unrealistic. I scream breaking the reign that calmness once held.

Do I go for the unknown? There are no guarantees. Success and failure each have a 50/50 chance. All I've known would be gone. Am I woman enough to make it on my own?

I could remain in the comfort that I know. Life could continue as I know it. There would be no risk. It would be simple, nothing would need to change. Can I continue in what I've always known? Is it sufficient to quench all my desires?

I am no closer to a decision than when this procedure started. The battle has heightened to a catastrophic level. I push the was away just like I've done countless times before promising myself that when I was adequately prepared I would make a decision. Oh yes I forgot to mention this has been going on for months. My emotional and physical reserve are slowly depleting. A decision should be made soon to preserve my health and sanity.

Months later the door closes with a decisive click behind me. I realized that all those months of debating had not been to make a smarter decision. I had been hiding in the comfort that I knew. All that time I had stayed never trying something new, never challenging myself. I reach down to grip my bag to my side. I take the first step toward accomplishing my dream.

What Does He Mean?

They ask me at my age if I can understand. They want to know what I feel. They look down at me and tell me that there is not a snowballs chance in hell that I can handle the emotion known as love. I beg to differ.

The questions comes out. What do you feel for him? Is it love? Are you in this for the long haul? Have you discussed marriage? I want to laugh at the eager faces staring at me waiting for the answer. How would they have any clue what I feel for him? I turn to look at him, taking a deep breath I open my mouth to respond. His brown eyes meet mine and I know exactly what to say.

"How do I explain what Dominic means to me? I see happiness and pain when I look at him. His strength gives me reason to fight. He is as essential to my being as breathing. He is as competitive as he is gentle. He is as strong as he is kind. He is dedicated. Moments with him are surreal. If I have a lifetime with him it is not enough time. The electricity that shoots through my body when he touches me could kill someone. The passion that he ignites in me when our eyes meet could singe. There is not a greater feeling than knowing when his lips touch mine that our souls have met. To answer your question do I love him-yes. Is that love going to continue to grow-yes. How long will we be together-I don't know. I am just counting the minutes that I have with him now."