High Standards? Picky?

"I have high standards." 

"It is ok to be picky and keep high standards." 

"Don't settle!" 

Those three statements and any variation regarding high standards are the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard to me. While the general idea of high standards isn't a deplorable one, I believe it is a safety net for many people. It is the pat answer when adult singles explain why they aren't married. It is a blanket statement when problems within a relationship can't be identified. 

I don't believe you should settle. I believe you should have God's standards.

I do believe you should have standards, but they should be driven by an intimate relationship with God. Over the past few weeks I have been helping a friend through a difficult season in her relationship. As a single thirty-something I mostly don't feel qualified to offer advice. However, I possess two amazing parents who gifted me with a childhood immersed in God's presence. As an adult I had to make the personal choice to maintain my relationship with God or let it go by the wayside. Thankfully despite the increased distance between God and I at times, He has always welcomed me back with open arms. While I don't have a marriage to give me practical experience to garner wisdom from, I do believe God gives us the wisdom to discern when we can't determine up from down. I do believe there is sufficient evidence in the Bible that settling is not what God has for any of us.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

However, we need to identify what "settling" means. Settling is what happens when you choose someone because you are impatient waiting for God's timing. Settling is when you know compromise on God's plan for your life. Settling is what happens when you tell God the what-what instead of listening for His guidance. Settling is what happens when you don't see a hope and a future so you find your own future. 

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you..."
Isaiah 43

If you prefer to call it high standards, I won't stop you. Maybe I'm picky. Maybe I'm a dating snob. Maybe I'm exlusive. Maybe I'm setting the bar too high. I am okay with whichever way you choose to describe my unwillingness to compromise on God's standards. The plans God has for me far outweigh whatever I could dream up for myself.

What's the big gesture?

I get irritated with my friends a lot. I get irritated with books and movies even more. I really get irritated by influential bloggers who are educated on relationships by TV shows. 

The following dialogue is from Chasing Liberty which sets the scene for the final swoon moment before "they lived happily ever after" scrolls and the credits roll.

"My father was always at work. Never at home. My mother wanted him to make the 

big gesture."

"What's the big gesture?"

"You know 'I'll quit for you. I'll stay home for you, darling.' But he didn't. 

Because... Well, people don't really do that, do they?"

I have no problems with Chasing Liberty. I probably watch the movie once every year or year 

and a half. It is an entertaining hour and a half. However, it is entertaining and not a lesson on 

life, love, and behaving like a President's daughter. 

If you are waiting for Prince Charming to perform a grand gesture so you can wear glass slippers 

and a pretty dress, I fear you will be waiting a long time. A successful relationship doesn't require 

an overwhelming act of sacrifice to be sustainable. A declaration of love isn't more true because

it was dragged on a banner behind a plane. The feelings aren't deeper because they are sung 

rather than said.

A cliche which happens often in entertainment is the musician boyfriend writing a song for his 

girlfriend. A moment like this may be considered a gesture. However, as someone who has had 

two guys write songs for her, I can tell you it isn't as romantic as the movies make it out to be. It 

can be awkwardly painful when it leaves you speechless because running away screaming isn't 

an acceptable response and neither is pretending to feel the same because of the romance 

of the moment.

I hear "I love you" when a guy watches a movie I know he has zero interest in and does it 

without complaining. I say "I love you" by listening to his music in the car. I hear "I love you" 

when he carries more of the grocery bags than I do. I say "I love you" when I surprise him with 

a coffee. I hear "I love you" when he picks a restaurant he knows I like. 

If we are always waiting on a grand gesture, we are missing the moments which add up to a 

wonderful relationship. A grand gesture sometimes is nothing more than a desperate plea to 

save that which is already beyond repair.