Your Pain

I know it is hurting you and there is not a darn thing I can do to help. The tears in your eyes, the pain in your voice, and the helpless slump of your shoulders scare me. I can't stop this disease that is spreading. If only it were a cancer then I could help but this infection is so much worse.

Hate-it has settled over you. You don't carry it around. Your outlook on life shows not a trace of the hostility. This hate is embodied in people around you. It has taken you prisoner. You did not do anything to deserve the brutal massacre that you are living. You were an innocent bystander until forced to deal with the fallout.

Why someone would set their sights on you baffles me. Why someone would choose to live their life with a chip on their shoulder out to get those who don't live their life that way is beyond me. They seem no different than you and me yet they target the happy like they are offended they live their lives joyously. Is there a logical explanation for their behavior? Was it a childhood filled with pain, one bad experience, a genetic endowment? Did they choose that path of life to walk down?

Hate, like a rain cloud, come in covering the light. It snuffs out the bright. Unlike a rain cloud that brings refreshing after it moves on hate crushes. It flattens the beautiful. It pulverizes the simple. All that is cherished in a human spirit is bruised.

It doesn't have to win though. Evil battles good. All that is lovely may appear weaker for a time but ultimately victory will be possessed. Never give into the hate because it does more damage to those who house it then those who see it.

National Pride

Life has taken on a new meaning in the past week. It used to be that our lives weren’t affected deeply by the actions of others, whether those actions were good or evil. We lived our lives, doing our own thing, around the lives of others. People’s eyes have been opened not just in the heart of the tragedy but in the vast land we call our country. With a renewed determination and a fresh outlook many have learned a lesson that was written in blood.

We embrace the cultural differences that diversify our nation making it mighty. We strive to educate ourselves with the idea that ignorance is not bliss. With a dedication to the hope of a better future we improve our outlook on life. We voice our intolerance of hate with renewed vigor. In wisdom we overlook the superficial to appreciate the heart and soul. In love we extend a helping hand. In joy we view life in a new light. With appreciation we wipe tears from our eyes at the sacrifices made that we might celebrate freedom. For those who gave their lives that we might enjoy liberty, we determine to guard the freedom we love. In prayer we trust each other with that most dear to us-our lives. In faith we live each day believing the good will outshine the evil. In patriotism we unite under a flag of red, white, and blue with a wider array of colors creating a patchwork quilt of brilliance. With thanksgiving we pledge our allegiance to the flag in many tongues. We teach our children with the hope that they never live through a tragedy this horrific. In honor we stand proud united in a common purpose. With satisfaction we embrace the leaders and applaud their decisions. In combat we defend the land we call home. In war heroes emerge sometimes triumphant and sometimes not but always respected. We welcome the visitors as well as the new neighbors with warmth.

It doesn’t matter your age, cultural background, ancestral history, religious beliefs we can all wear our pride for our country proudly. We can all showcase our patriotism in any form that we are capable of because there is showing too small.

Amazing Love

He is my guardian, my friend, my confidant, my strength. He is to me what no other person could ever be. He compels me to dream bigger and then pushes me to achieve those dreams. He listens to me when I don't make any sense. He talks to me when the silence frightens me. He inspires me to open my heart and love completely. He walks beside me every step of the way. He is dependable, loving, kind, supportive, and every good thing you could ever want in life.

He died for me. I killed him in an indirect way. I never would have chosen to take the life of someone who was innocent. He didn't deserve the cruel punishment that should have been mine. He choice to die for me. Even after knowing about this for years it still haunts me. His blood is on my hands.

Compromise

"You ate fries when you should have had onion rings. You said yes way too quickly and it appeared over eager. You got there too early. You drank the wrong beverage. Did you know that you are supposed to be getting at least 6 hours of sleep a night? Do you need a curfew?"

The voice continues as you slowly roll your eyes. You learned long ago to cyphone out through the remarks and only pay heed to the important details. "Your smile seemed too forced. You looked a little more comfortable than is appropriate with that fan. That wave looked questionable. Don't you understand your fans are the ones that made you?"

The desire to bang your head repeatedly against the table in front of you grows when that statement was made. A monotone. emotionless voice is telling you that people that do not know you made you who you are. The pen between your fingers begins to vibrate more rapidly as your actions are critiqued. The thought of chains and thousands of people controlling your actions is scaring you. A groan escapes your lips when you hear the next statement.

"We need to talk about your personal relationships. Some of your relationships will aid your career while others will hinder it."

Your head falls back as you listen to the reasoning behind your need to remain "single". That plant in the windowsill needs to be watered. When was the last time this place was cleaned? Will the person behind the voice get mad if you write in the dust?

"Your mother would be the best choice for you to escort this Wednesday night. We will send a beautician to the house to help her get ready. Shall I have my secretary call her and tell her 3 o'clock?"

You dumbly nod your head as you think of the one person you most want to take. You love your mother no doubt but mom's eyes are not blue like the the Caribbean causing you to lose yourself in them. Mom's smile causes feelings of safety not the electricity. Mom's hands are reminders of the work she put into you not the touch of gold you desire.

"Security has been tightened but you know how the fans can be. Be careful and don't forget to smile until you reach your room."

Don't forget to smile. that smile that half of America's teens are in love with. If it slips you are a jerk however if it remains on your face you are an idol for one more day.

"Photo shoot at 10. Autograph signing at 11:30. Promotional appearance at 2. I guess you can grab lunch after the promos. Eat a good breakfast but not too much you have the photo shoot."

Your mind drifts off to the memories of large fries and a shake at McDonald's. You want dough boys, candy, and potato chips not the fruits and grains that they call food.

"There is a birthday bash in NYC that you have been invited to. You do not know the guest of honor well but it would be a good way to expand your fan base."

Your mind floats back to a few weeks before when your siblings birthday had come and you could only provide a phone call. The $450 you spent at the toy store adn another $150 at some store in whatever city you were in at the time. What city were you in? Oh well the memory of tears in the voices of your family reminded you of just how many birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and funerals you had missed. Note to self-call mom.

"Remember if you do well over the next few months they'll renew your contract for another two years."

Two years? Could your body and mind take another two years? The invasion of privacy, lack of sleep, and constant demands have already taken its toll.

All of this because you had a dream and signed on the dotted line.

The Vow

A vow something sacred. A covenant meant to be cherished. How am I to write mine? There are not words to describe my love for you. there is not enough time to explain how deep my passion runs for you.

How can I limit my tenderness to you by confining it to the English language? Where do I find the words to express my gratitude to you for all you've done. Do I look in foreign lands for a language I am not familiar with?

Is it possible to portray my emptiness when you are not near? Can I paint a sad picture of the void you leave in my life when your presence is not with me?

Do I dare construct a work of art that would attempt to display your beauty? Would anyone see it in the light of the marvelous way I perceive you?

I can not attempt to define our love. Others will see our vows as beautiful but they are so much deeper than that. My love look into my eyes ad see what words can not express. Search my soul and discover the treasure of my passion. Seek my love in the depths of my heart and carry it forever in your heart. Feel the tenderness of my life and yours together in my touch. Explore the longing I have for you in my lips with yours.

I can not write my vows so I make this covenant to you. I will show you everyday these indescribable emotions.

Weapons of War

It attacks out of nowhere bringing with it confusion, anguish, desperation, doubt. It comes at the most inopportune times. It wreaks havoc in your life as it leaves no corner of your mind untouched.

Its name is self doubt. It is a ruthless predator. It will bring confusion to everything you have ever known.

Self doubt is not partial to its prey. It will attack the multimillionaire who runs a successful business to the homeless person hoping to get out of the slump they are in. It feeds on the young and old alike. It kills dreams with a single swoop. No one is immune when it has you targeted.

Some people are able to brush it aside easily while it haunts others. The more you brush it aside the harder it comes at you the next time. When it finally breaks through the barriers it rips you apart.

I do not know why we fear it like we do. It should not be allowed to run our lives like it does. You see it is breed in lies.

The more often it tells you that you are not smart enough, pretty enough, or talented enough it lies. It is hoping to break down the truth so that you believe it. The more you hear something the more likely you are to believe it and self doubt knows this. You are pretty enough, smart enough, and talented enough to do anything your mind can imagine.

Albert Einstein, Christopher Columbus, Alexander Graham Bell, Madame Curie, Michael Jordan, Mariah Carey, Kathy Freeman, everyone you can think of has experienced it. You do not believe me ask them yourself. They accomplished though what they imagined. They discovered, invented, set records, and broke records that they one day only imagined. Now they have proven what it means to dream big. They overcame their self doubt and accomplished that which had been once dubbed impossible.

Do you doubt the power of the mind? It is one of the most powerful tools God ever gave man.

Self Righteous

You look and self righteously judge me not knowing my story. Every step that I take and every decision that I make you are right there, over my shoulder guessing my every move.

I walk on eggshells scared to make a mistake. Fear of failure does not paralyze me, the knowledge of disappointing does.

I juggle task and emotion. I battle to do everything for everybody to keep them happy while attempting to hold onto at least a piece of my sanity. Slowly my sanity begins to slip away but still I am expected to march on.

Fake smiles and a sincerity that I do not feel become second nature, all together too natural. I am now fighting day to day to keep my head above the water. I refuse to lose who I am. I hear the rumors. It does not take but a tiniest action from me to start a rumor that might one day crush me. Wrong or right it does not matter what the action.

The war for a sense of privacy rages. I only lose ground as it continues. Around every corner, over every wall people wait. You want to invade my personal space. You lurk in silence hoping to reach the innermost workings of my mind. You want to know my perfections, imperfections, and feelings. You have no right to them yet they are there to broadcast the "latest happenings" in my life. You don't care who finds out, what they find out, or if it is the truth. All that matters to you is that you know something others don't.

Do you wonder who I am? I am not a celebrity, actor, musician, royalty, or millionaire. I am a plain jane, your normal everyday teen with a normal everyday job and parents who are normal everyday people. Why do people have a fascination with my life? I don't have a clue. I've never presented myself as anything great. My accomplishments are not all that dazzling.

I honestly believe it is human nature. The human mind needs someone or something to concentrate on. The human ego needs someone to compare to. They want a picture of perfection to idolize. They desire someone who is not perfect to make their appearance slightly closer to perfect. I will never understand the thought process behind tearing another apart to build oneself up. The reasoning behind that baffles me.

Brewing Storm

There is a storm brewing. Weatherman can't predict it. Civilians can't hide from it. The rain will soak to the bone. The thunder will shake your entire body. Your eyes will need to be hidden from the intensity of the lightning. It would be an amazing show if it was not all taking place inside of me.

Tears begin to build in my eyes as I slowly drive away from everyone and everything that I know. The cell phone beside me rings jerking me back to reality. The voice laced with emotion causes me to ponder the wisdom of my decision. Two more phone calls resembling the first send me teetering to the edge. I shut off my phone. Turning the radio up I accelerate trying to out drive my thoughts. I fail to out race the doubts and fears. Mile upon mile pass and the storm is still brewing. All I love, know, need, and want is being left hundreds of miles behind.

Days later a dull ache fills my body. Voices and memories of times past dance before my eyes. Regret plays with my mind. I search for new ways to fill the void in my life. Nothing seems to relieve the pain. The storm has stalled. Lingering it boasts of its impressive strength.

I fear that this time I will not be able to control the storm. My temper is short. I snap responses to the people around me. Every little thing seems to grate on my nerves. This feeling of unsettlement that has washed over me disturbs me to no end. I can't shake it or explain it. It causes me to react in ways that are uncharacteristically not me. Please understand that this is breaking my heart. I do not mean to hurt you but I just need my space to weather out the storm.

Go With A Kiss

A sob escapes my throat as the door closes behind you. I throw myself on my bed and cry. I just let you walk out the door. My head aches and my tears show no sign of stopping. Eventually I doze into a fitful sleep where I am haunted my dreams of you. I have given you two years of my life and in one afternoon it is all gone. You decided you needed to explore a little. Some freedom would do us both some good I believe were the word you used. I hesitantly as the question that I dread the answer to, your answer will either extinguish every ember of hope or revive the dying fire. "Is this permanent?" Your eyes show the harsh truth that your words are trying to soften. I stand there like a stone, not moving not breathing. Your eyes are filled with a million emotions. Some of these emotions sting like a slap in the face while others beg for forgiveness. You apologize and turn to leave to let me grieve in silence. Your footsteps pause as I call your name softly. I kiss your cheek softly and mutter the words that heal your soul and destroy mine.

"Go with a kiss and remember I love you always."