Self Righteous

You look and self righteously judge me not knowing my story. Every step that I take and every decision that I make you are right there, over my shoulder guessing my every move.

I walk on eggshells scared to make a mistake. Fear of failure does not paralyze me, the knowledge of disappointing does.

I juggle task and emotion. I battle to do everything for everybody to keep them happy while attempting to hold onto at least a piece of my sanity. Slowly my sanity begins to slip away but still I am expected to march on.

Fake smiles and a sincerity that I do not feel become second nature, all together too natural. I am now fighting day to day to keep my head above the water. I refuse to lose who I am. I hear the rumors. It does not take but a tiniest action from me to start a rumor that might one day crush me. Wrong or right it does not matter what the action.

The war for a sense of privacy rages. I only lose ground as it continues. Around every corner, over every wall people wait. You want to invade my personal space. You lurk in silence hoping to reach the innermost workings of my mind. You want to know my perfections, imperfections, and feelings. You have no right to them yet they are there to broadcast the "latest happenings" in my life. You don't care who finds out, what they find out, or if it is the truth. All that matters to you is that you know something others don't.

Do you wonder who I am? I am not a celebrity, actor, musician, royalty, or millionaire. I am a plain jane, your normal everyday teen with a normal everyday job and parents who are normal everyday people. Why do people have a fascination with my life? I don't have a clue. I've never presented myself as anything great. My accomplishments are not all that dazzling.

I honestly believe it is human nature. The human mind needs someone or something to concentrate on. The human ego needs someone to compare to. They want a picture of perfection to idolize. They desire someone who is not perfect to make their appearance slightly closer to perfect. I will never understand the thought process behind tearing another apart to build oneself up. The reasoning behind that baffles me.

Brewing Storm

There is a storm brewing. Weatherman can't predict it. Civilians can't hide from it. The rain will soak to the bone. The thunder will shake your entire body. Your eyes will need to be hidden from the intensity of the lightning. It would be an amazing show if it was not all taking place inside of me.

Tears begin to build in my eyes as I slowly drive away from everyone and everything that I know. The cell phone beside me rings jerking me back to reality. The voice laced with emotion causes me to ponder the wisdom of my decision. Two more phone calls resembling the first send me teetering to the edge. I shut off my phone. Turning the radio up I accelerate trying to out drive my thoughts. I fail to out race the doubts and fears. Mile upon mile pass and the storm is still brewing. All I love, know, need, and want is being left hundreds of miles behind.

Days later a dull ache fills my body. Voices and memories of times past dance before my eyes. Regret plays with my mind. I search for new ways to fill the void in my life. Nothing seems to relieve the pain. The storm has stalled. Lingering it boasts of its impressive strength.

I fear that this time I will not be able to control the storm. My temper is short. I snap responses to the people around me. Every little thing seems to grate on my nerves. This feeling of unsettlement that has washed over me disturbs me to no end. I can't shake it or explain it. It causes me to react in ways that are uncharacteristically not me. Please understand that this is breaking my heart. I do not mean to hurt you but I just need my space to weather out the storm.