The One

Hopelessness has set in. Am I ever going to find the "one" that everyone talks about? They say he is out there but where am I to find him? I am not sure how much more pain I can take. My heart has been broken and it's still sore. Every time the pieces are put back together there is a piece or two missing. Too much more of this and I will not have much left.

My mind is trying to make sense of the madness. It can't comprehend the motives behind hurtful words and harmful actions. Why would you purposefully hurt someone you claim to care for? Is loyalty such a foreign concept now? Is it possible for a dedicated relationship? Is there a man out there who would share the feeling that I have on loyalty? Is commitment really such a terrifying thought? Will relationships ever be more than just a way to pass time? Will it ever be more than an excuse to hop into bed?

As the hopelessness settles I become comfortable with the idea. Slowly my mind clears and I begin to see the world around me in a new light. People's roles are redefined.

All of the sudden you are standing there. You had supported me as I walked in misery. You were my rock to stand on as I began to sink into the grime of my pain. You have proven your loyalty and commitment time and time again. You waited patiently as I worked through my pain. You have secured your place in my life as the "one".

I Dreamt Last Night

I dreamt last night and woke up this morning scared that I had ruined my life. There are a million sayings about dreams, some are simple while others make no sense. "God made the stars that we might know how high our dreams may soar." Follow your dream, unless its the one where you are at school naked." "A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep." That last one is the one that this morning has me freaked out of my mind. I never imagined that a Disney cartoon would leave me breathless and wondering.

You see in my dream were people yet to meet, places yet to be seen, actions yet to be performed, desires yet to be fulfilled. I was walking along a busy street. It was a foreign street to me. There was a river that snaked its way along beside me. Cafes and shops lined the street. It looked like a street in Paris. People were not familiar until I ran into a face that seemed to be from the distant past. An ex-boyfriend who I had put out of my mind stood before me. We caught up on old times and the happenings of our now separate lives. The more he talked the more I wondered why I had broken up with him. Hours passed and it seemed like the years that we had been separated had never happened. He invited me to dinner to see his new place. I agreed and left excitement brewing of a fresh start.

A few hours later I stand outside his door. Hours of nervous excitement had caused my mind to wander. During my walk I envisioned candle light and his confession of undying love. I took a bath to ease the tensed muscles and memories of picnics, concerts, bike rides, basketball games came to mind. I raised my hand and knocked on his door. I fully expected to see him but was unprepared for the sight that met my eyes.

A gorgeous woman stood before me. Her green eyes sparkled as she greeted me like an old friend. She took my coat and ushered me in. She hurriedly explained that my ex was taking the dinner out of the oven since she could not do heavy lifting since she had entered the third trimester of a difficult pregnancy. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and offered my congratulations.

Dinner is a blur. I must have done a good job of hiding my feelings of shock and dismay because neither commented on it. The obvious love in his eyes for her and the adoration she showed him was blinding in a warm way. I left that night confused and scared. All of the sudden the finality of all my dreams with him were dashed and the truth hit me in the face. He was no longer mine.

I woke up from that dream scared and confused. When I broke up with him I knew it was for the best. Our lives were going in two separate directions. He was pursuing his music and I was working towards my goals in life. My heart was broken when I woke up that morning what if I had made the biggest mistake of my life? Did I easily throw away the one thing in life that I needed? Memories cloud my thinking. A weight has settled on my shoulders. The urgent to return to him gnaws at my good judgment.

What Have I Done

What have I done? Have I ruined it all? Is everything we've worked for demolished by one word or action? Is this the end of us? Has every moment been in vain? Are we through fighting against the odds? Was my one action enough to make you give up? Was that disappointment in your eyes directed at me? I am so sorry I never meant to hurt you. My heart is breaking knowing that I have torn to pieces. Has our relationship been destroyed beyond repair? Please is there any hope at all? I need to know if I stand a chance at happiness again. You are my world. Please tell me what I can do. I know my actions have been wrong and did not express my love. Will you ever believe in my love for you again? What have I done?

Paradise

He offered me the world. He said he would bottle joy and give it to me with his heart. My wish was his command like my own personal genie. I would want for nothing and my every need would be met.

Why then can't I accept his heart and the promises? It would be close to paradise wouldn't it? I mean what could be lacking? I would never need to lift a finger if I did not want to. These were not empty promises either so then what is the deal with my hesitation?

It would be one step down from paradise. It would not be a bad place but it would be lacking. There is so much more that I want.

I want a man whose eyes shine with his love for me. I want a man who supports my dreams. He would be loving and compassionate. His words would be laced with emotions for me. His actions sure signs that there were no others. Words will not be needed for us to communicate. His laughter will ring in my ears long after he is asleep. His cries will echo deep within my heart.

One step down from paradise might be here today. I would not need to work for it. It is here waiting for me to enter in and find my dwelling place. It would be comfortable and mine and all I need to do is accept the proposal.

I am sorry, I know this is cruel. I might be labeled a player or tease for this but I can not accept. It may be years before you understand or I find my paradise. I am willing to wait. I will hold out for the day when I am standing outside paradise because if I settle for second best than he would too.

Who Knew

I have caused pain. I never meant to harm him. He was a friend, a best friend at that. I had a decision to make that could possible send the bridge of our friendship crashing to the water below.

You see he was my childhood best friend. We met before we were old enough to understand the difference between the two of us. We have grown up together. He potty trained while I took baths. I made mud pies and he ate them while we played house in the backyard.

As we got older our bodies and feelings began to change. It was different though in each of our lives. He was my best friend, I did not see him as a member of the opposite sex. I talked to him about everything regardless of subject matter.

He however had grown up and seen things differently. What a fool I was! I had no clue about his feelings towards me.

When we were 8 and 9 his mother used to introduce us as "her son and future daughter in law". We would giggle and argue but it never really meant anything to us. At 13 and 14 it was a pain. at 15 it was his dream.

We were forever being thrown together by the people around us who claimed that not a cuter couple lived. We fought those that pushed us together. Rather I fought and he used one arm to push me away and one arm to pull me closer. We eventually gave in to those pressures and became a couple.
A few months later I could not deny what my heart was telling me. I had gotten into this relationship for all the wrong reasons and now I was going to do the inevitable. I broke up with my boyfriend and at the same time lost my best friend. I cried myself to sleep every night for weeks hating myself for making him cry. I knew what I had done was right but it hurt him, I had broken his heart.

It took nearly two years to put our friendship back together. Even then something was still amiss but I figured it was the wounds that still needed to heal.

I was naive and did not realize that he was holding out hoping that we would one day be together again. I am unwittingly hurting him day after day. How do I tell him once again that the feelings are not there and that we are better off as friends.

It is simple you break his heart once more, it is not easy but it is the only choice you have.

Time Away

"Everybody needs a little time away..."

Ever had the words of a song stuck in your head only it is not the whole song it is a phrase maybe two? If you listen to the entire song it would not relate to you at all but that certain flow of words tells your story. This is mine.

I need to get away. I need space away from the people around me. I need a reprieve from work. I need new surroundings. I desire the thrill of the unknown. I can't get away fast enough. I can't get far enough away. I try to run but I am caught. I try to hide but still I am haunted. After all how do you outrun yourself? One day I realized I was the problem. Now all I need to do is find a way to fix it.

Fading

It faded like the morning dew on a summer's day. Faith it had once been an integral part of your being and then it was gone.

Confidence in the world around you disappears like the sun before a spring rain shower. You pray that somewhere on this planet there is a place where preconceived notions, prejudice, and hate don't coexist with people who aspire to make life miserable.

Trust in family and friends vanishes as one by one they disappoint you. You never imagined they would desert you as your worst nightmare comes true. Apprehension sets in as your wide eyes scan the mortals living around you questioning their intentions.

Belief in a God that you have been told loves you evades your acceptance. Common sense battles invisible being, you won't risk another let down so you chose to not believe.

Dependence on one's own self fades out like the end of your favorite song taking with it the pleased feeling. Your daily walk called life becomes a stumble. It would appear you can't do anything right at all. Work, relationships, responsibilities, and health begin to suffer as pressure is poured on. Eventually you cave in no longer walking but crawling.

We all walk through these times of doubt. Our world seems to be crumbling around us as we question where our life is going. Everything we touch seems to fall to the floor shattering into millions of non retrievable pieces as we ponder the reasons for going on. We want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over our heads, and pray for a new day.

A ray of light breaks through the thick fog you swear surrounds you. One voice arrives to reassure you. One face emerges to cheer you up. All of the sudden that brand new day is upon you, a joyous outlook to a once bleak view. Circumstances that once tore you down have not disappeared you just found new ways to conquer them. People who once chipped away at your spirit no longer hold any power over you.

It may seem like that ray of light is a long way off. You may think you are taking on the world by yourself. You are tired and weak. Rest assured you are not alone. You never have been and never will be.