Flammable

Two posts in one day? That means there is a lot on my mind. This one may ramble and run on and not make a lot of sense but there is something that I need to work through.

Facebook can be your friend or it can be the messenger that you'd like to shoot between the eyes. I love connecting with new friends or reconnecting with old friends (and now that I'm nearly thirty they are all starting to get "old). It's neat to see what everyone is up to as long as they aren't talking about the dang Yankees. However, today the frivolity of Facebook took a turn from the superficialness of childhood to the heaviness of adulthood.

An invitation arrived in my inbox to an event that has been a decade in the making. I wish it was a NSYNC reunion tour but it isn't. A public apology is about to be issued by two people who really should have done it ten years ago. I'm sure some reacted to this news with an "it's about time" while others feel it is "too little too late." And there are those who take the middle ground that are willing to listen to the apology without any strings.

I don't know where I stand. On one hand it would be nice to be given an apology for every wound that resulted because of the selfish and hypocritical actions of a few people. On the other hand I have no need for a public apology because I forgave long ago because I refused them the power over me to embitter me to life and people. I don't need you to ask me to forgive you. I did for my own self preservation.

There are serious doubts that this apology will be sincere. Many signs point to this apology coming at a time that will result in personal accomplishment for this couple. Maybe it is part of a bucket list of sorts. Maybe it is a part of a To Do List that will put them back on the VIP list that they so loved previously. Maybe this really is the result of remorse, maturing, and guilt. I don't know. I won't know unless I go and listen to the apology.

I do feel though that a public apology is a cop out. There are those who deserve more personal apologies because the wounds were personally dealt. I'm not one of those who suffered direct hits, but I know of a few people who felt the sting. I suffered along side some of those who got wrecked with a lot of damage. Sincerity and a true repentance would require a personal apology to a few people I know.

I would like this chapter of my life to be closed. Every time it feels like it has come to an end and life will move on from it someone stirs the coals and breathes life into the dying embers. The problem with playing with fire is that sometimes those coals will ignite the materials nearby and a fire can rage out of control that you believe you are in charge of.

Such has been the case with this invitation. It began a flurry of responses that has left people judging and criticizing. Those coals that laid dormant have resurfaced and the fire is quickly finding fuel and it may soon consume and destroy. The problem is there was a nasty fire ten years ago and some of this fuel will easily go up in flames.

Is this what being an adult is all about? Spending a decade reeling from the decisions of those in your life? Will 2010 bring about a new set of circumstances that in 2019 we'll be hoping to put to bed?

Echoes

Children race through their childhood. The sound of their laughter reverberating down the halls of learning, experiencing, and growing. The voices of adults ricochet through the same halls as they impart wisdom and guidance. Music dances weaving the soul. Happiness flows as every moment is taken for granted.

Now the echoes of memories bounce around the empty halls. The lessons that were passed on seem to be hypocritical in their message. The music paused and then skipped before eventually dying out. The abundant happiness was soaked up and discarded without thought that it may be endangered.

Years later the building that once housed the delight of children, the accomplishment of students, the fulfillment of relationship is now an empty carcass, holding nothing but the echoes. The echoes of once was. The hardest lessons came not amidst the laughter or the stories, but in the pain that each student experienced. Life became the lesson and those who once tutored became inadequate at offering the wisdom to survive the overwhelming tides that ebb and flow. Where life once existed now only memories whisper.

Minds strive to remember the happy memories. Our ears strain in hopes of recapturing the simplicity, the joy, the contentment. It'd be so much easier to go back to that place and freeze time than to return to the carcass and see what was eaten away by greed, selfishness, hate, and pain.

We can't exist with the echoes of the past. They'll fade. For some they've already faded. They're gone and forgotten. For others they are as fresh as the day they happened, like an instant replay that never pushes forward to the future. The echoes are amplified by some as they attempt to drag others back to exist in that time with them. Others have silenced the echoes beneath anger and pain.

The echoes for me are the hardest lessons that I've learned to date. Many days existed with tears and pain. I angered easily when I thought of all I'd lost and I saddened at the dreams that dissipated when my world ended. I overcame the echoes. I moved past them, taking with me the wisdom imparted by life. I captured happiness from its unfailing well. I've learned to make music of my own so that the notes never fade. I live a life that rose forth from the suffering. The pain left a scar that reminds me of all that I've seen and encourages me that I'll overcome the next lesson.

I'll never revisit those halls and recapture the feelings that existed when I walked them a carefree child. I'm no longer carefree. I was thrust into the world that shoveled cares on my shoulders. I walk those halls and choose to listen to the echoes of the memories that can make me smile. I'll never forget the lessons that I've learned but I choose the memories that don't resonate with pain.

Perspective

I'm going to make a disclaimer here so that no one reacts by saying "but you haven't experienced it." I am not pregnant nor have I ever been. These are my thoughts on the wonder of pregnancy. I don't reserve the right to alter my perspective when I myself experience pregnancy. I hope someone will slap this in front of me if I ever do lose my perspective. But in the interest of full disclosure - there is no bun in the oven.

It annoys the crap out of me when pregnant women whine about how "fat" they are. I've got a whole theory on being "fat" but we'll ignore that for now. A woman carrying a child is blessed to have been chosen by God to give life, protect, care for, and grow one of His children inside of her. Almost everything that God asks of us requires a sacrifice on our part. If this means for a few months you can't see your toes or wear size 6 pants then I think it should be ok. The wonder of creating a child and being an integral part of the growth process before birth should erase the pounds that get added while carrying out this duty.

Worrying and whining don't accomplish anything as my dad would say. They neither affect the outcome nor make the resolution arrive more quickly. While worrying is a complete waste of time, concern can bring a focus and a sense or responsibility. I say that instead of worrying about how much you weigh that you should focus on being a good parent. Having a healthy concern that you are making every effort to be a good parent will make gaining a few pounds an afterthought. Concerning yourself with what examples you are setting for your kids just might create an accountability in you that will positively alter your future.

My perspective is probably irritating to anyone who has ever been pregnant or those experiencing pregnancy for the first time. I'm sure that my best friend who is still in her first trimester wants to slap me upside the head. No doubt she's ticking off days on the calendar until she can print this and push into my face and ask me if I still feel the same way. And I encourage that moment to come. I want her to remind me in case I can't see my toes and get anxious about if I resemble a whale.

I'll gladly resemble a whale if God asks me to be a mother to one of His precious gifts. I'll pinch the flab on my body and analyze the water gain with satisfaction. The stretch marks may arrive and the soreness may invade but Christ endured torture for my sake.

Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Blogs, Vlogs...

I'm going to delve into the world of online streaking as I am dubbing the various ways in which we prove to the world that we have imperfections.

Twitter... I stumbled across a fairly famous person's Twitter account the other day. This actress is usually cast as an attractive bimbo who is given a sliver of reasonable humanity before being exploited. Usually her characters end up spending more minutes naked then speaking lines. The characters would be better served in print than film because then they'd be silent and we wouldn't need to question their intelligence. When you encounter characters like this you really hope that the actress is just trying to be a contributor to federal employment taxes and not that they relate to the character. However, sometimes they manage to do something that proves that acting might not be necessary to bring this character to screen. I almost felt bad for her. In her attempts to prove her confidence in herself, she managed to come across as insecure. She mocked those who mocked her falling into a trap that is a common downfall of her characters. She has all the reason in the world to be confident and instead she's defending herself.

Streaking is usually done when a person of questionable intelligence removes all their clothes and runs across the field of a sport in hopes of gaining recognition, 3 seconds of their 15 minutes, or just honoring the rest of us with their perfection. It involves public nudity and either large amounts of alcohol or a very large ego.

Blogger, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube... the list goes on. We have the world at our fingertips through the internet. We can access anyone's life legally or illegally. There are some who showcase their art through the internet. Family members remain in contact. Friends keep up with the 411. Professionals can network. Then there are those who really need a hobby.

They are the streaking bloggers. They don't possess enough shame to think through what they post. Without thought they race across the field naked bearing all. The only thing they manage to prove is that they are as imperfect as the rest of us. Their streaking gives all of us regular people a chance to boost our self-confidence because when they run naked in the sunlight their imperfections are magnified.

I recommend caution before joining the world of blogging. Before acquiring an account in which you can share your life with the world, there is something to consider. Do you want the world rummaging around in your head? Are there things hiding in your closet that you'd like to remain there? When you open your life and invite the world in they'll have things to say. Not everyone has a Mama who warns them "if they don't have anything nice to say then not to say anything at all." When you throw your thoughts out into the www you open yourself to those who think differently.

Streaking isn't recommended for everyone. No one wants to see that. A nice outfit completed with the perfect shoes is much more attractive than being an uncovered skank. Exercise caution before you hit the enter/send. Ask yourself if in ten years you'll be embarrassed to show your kids. Don't deny your style but remember nudity isn't a fashion trend.

Death of the Role Model

Success driven by controversy. Career goals achieved through use of illegal substance. Talent celebrated despite a lack of character. Government leaders without a moral compass. These are the signs of the modernization of our culture. These men and women shape our children's perception on success, power, self-esteem, & popularity.
If you get yourself in the papers and keep yourself there, you'll generate curiousity. If you generate curiousity, you'll garner attention. If you garner that attention, do whatever you can to keep yourself at the center of that attention. Curious people will result in revenue. Revenue results in many material things. Many material things results in status. Status results in popularity. Popularity results in revenue. If necessary do something controversial. Nudity is always good. Break a law as long as it is a minor one you'll not be held accountable. Talent isn't enough make sure to sell your body.
America's past time has a blotch on it. An ugly blotch of steroid use and lying. Baseball, a sport that has inspired a nation, has been disgraced. A century wroth of heroes has been reduced to a period of shame. In misguided efforts to put their name at the top of the leader board, achieve historical numbers, preserve their place in a Hall of Fame, earn more dollars than anyone else our heroes became fallible when steroids replaced hard work. Instead of the love of the game driving players towards success they played for money and trophies and bargained their reputations.
Roman Polanski awaits extradition thirty years after committing a heinous crime that most would punish with violence or death and yet there are those who vocally support him and demand his freedom. A man who overcame such a tragic childhood and lived to emerge on the other side a survivor became the monster of his nightmares that he fought against. A man who lost his wife in an act of unnecessary violence turned and robbed a child, leaving her with nightmares of her own. His crimes go unpunished because of his fear of the punishment. He committed the crime and fled the consequences. Now that the consequences have caught up with him, we demand his release because of his tormented past and his talent in storytelling.

Where is the responsibility? When do we stop justifying and excusing our actions and accept our consequences? When do we accept the weight of our accomplishments as well as our failures? I respect the person who can apologize for their shortcomings. I want to know the person who learns from their mistakes. I am accepting of those who challenge me to grow, learn, & improve myself. I don't ever want to plateau. There's an awesome view if you don't believe that you reached it halfway up.

More baseball observations

• Pitchers tend to get wedgies or at least it looks like they have perpetual wedgies.
• Baseball players cock their hips more than Elle Woods (Legally Blonde)
• Baseball unis aren't flattering at all.
• NESN is officially my favorite channel. They just showed a montage of disagreements between Boston and NY sports teams.
  
• Baseball is so much more exciting when they fight.
• Dustin Pedroia is adorable.
• He probably takes offense to being called adorable.
• "Oh my gosh. Pitchers hitting what a joke."
• A baseball players game may be improved upon with ballet lessons.
  

More in common that "ing"

Dating and interviewing-I’ve come to the realization that a first date and an interview have too much in common.  I don’t particularly care for doing either.

Both can be highly stressful because you’re walking into unchartered territory.  There is a good chance that in both cases you’ll be completely out of your element.  With dating there is a chance that both of you will be out of your element but that is not guaranteed nor the case with interviewing.  You arrive for a job interview and you’re on their home turf.  The air is energized in their favor and you’re the underdog.  (Maybe this is why the Super Bowl is played at a scheduled field and not in a team’s home stadium.  I digress.) 

Before the commencement of the interview/date is the prep work.  This usually (and hopefully) includes a bit more care with personal hygiene.  Before my interview the other day, I did Mary Kay Satin Hands & Lips, shaved my legs, mowed the eyebrows, a moisturizing face mask (also MK if you must know), plucked a few stray hairs that wandered down to the facial zone, and washed the clothes I planned to wear.  While watching the Red Sox beat the Jays I touched up the paint job on my nails (hands and feet!) and treated my cuticles.  I debated trying to get in to see the hairdresser but alas there wasn’t time so I crossed my fingers that I would have a good hair day. 

The morning of requires an extra allotment of time in the bathroom.  It usually isn’t a problem getting the aforementioned extra minutes because sleep is an elusive dream the night before.  Panic about oversleeping or forgetting something or having just the right words to say prevents a drifting into la la land.  So you start the day a bit more tired than you should and with a little extra baggage under the eye that you fight with beauty products during that extra time in the bathroom.  

If you are lucky you can migrate directly from your prep time to your date/interview.  There is a chance though that you’ll make an extended pit stop along the way like to your current sentence to jail.  You’ll spend all day trying to figure out how to explain why your current job or former date (and not current date because that is priggish behavior) isn’t working out without sounding like that whiney toddler from Rugrats.  You’ll be distracted and hoping that no one suspects just in case you don’t wow them or you forgot deodorant and they don’t dare to meet with you again.  No one needs time to consider their surroundings and to wonder if they are out of their league.  This place is too professional.  I've only ever flipped burgers.  He's too good-looking to date a woman like me.  

PSA:  While you only get one chance to make a first impression it is important to remember not to judge because sometimes the best presents come in packages that are entirely misleading.  End of PSA 

Eventually we get to the main event.  It is the scheduled time in which you put your best foot forward and go out there and get ‘em, tiger.  The universe has worked against you all day in attempts to prevent you from arriving calm, cool, and collected.  Traffic was horrible.  Every red light came out in your honor, causing you to worry it was an omen.  You miss your turn and wonder if you should keep going in the wrong direction.  You give yourself a mental pinch and when that doesn’t work you wind up for a strong mental slap and arrive.  Every inspiring quote you can remember is muttered as you finally leave the car.  Game on!

You get one chance to leave a first impression.  Bugger.  What if your collar took on a mind of its own and isn’t straight.  Why don’t lobbies have mirrors so you can check these things?  You’ve spit the gum out so you don’t look like a cow while talking to the person who could ultimately change your life, but try to keep that minty fresh feeling with a breath mint that clashes flavor with the gum.  What really is the difference between spearmint, peppermint, and wintergreen?  Doesn’t matter you hope your tongue doesn’t go numb or your mouth dry in protest from the breath fresheners you’ve shoved in there in the past twenty minutes.  You wipe your sweaty palms hoping you don’t have to shake too many peoples hands.  

If you’re lucky there is no wait.  You go straight from your car to the meeting.  You don’t have to sit in a quiet lobby, mentally reviewing your game plan.  You just jump in headfirst.  You don’t want too much time to have a conversation with yourself because yourself is often the person with the bad ideas that get you into trouble.  You don’t want to be talked out of going in there and showing them what you’ve got.  

Suddenly it is that moment.  You’re primed and ready for this.  You’re the best candidate they’ll see.  You’re the whole package and they’d be a fool not to see it.  Handshake number one and the customary “it’s nice to meet you.”  That is out of the way.  Now comes the getting to know you part.  Are they going to ask questions that I want to answer?  Are they going to ask questions that I can answer?  Am I talking too loud?  Too much?  Too quietly?  Did I answer the question?  Did you see that painting on the wall that would look great over the couch.  Pay attention!  I hope they don’t ask about my current situation.  Oh man!  They asked the question about my worst trait.  Can I lie?  Nah, I’ve got to give them something.  Who expects an honest answer to this question.  “Well, to be honest with you I am terrifically lazy and leave a job before I get fired.”  “Do I mind working overtime?  Not at all.  Whatever I can do to help the team.”  Of course I don’t want to be here more than I have to.  Are you crazy.  What kind of fool do you take me for work pays the bills and play makes it all worthwhile.  Don’t talk too much about what you hate out of employers.  Don’t talking about the ex because you might tear up.  Don’t mention that he cheated on you because you work too much.  Definitely don’t bring up that all your huge fights were over money and the fact that you have a shopping problem.  The problem is that you don’t have enough money to do it as much as you’d like.  It’s best to not mention the jealous ex that you had to take a restraining order out on because that might scare him away.  Would it be considered too forward if I mentioned how many kids I want so that if he doesn’t want any we don’t waste time?  I hope he wants kids because genes that good need to be shared. 

And then it is over.  This time you offer a bit of gratitude with the customary “pleasure to meet you.”  If you don’t want to be too pushy you offer up a “hope to hear from you soon.”  Then comes the awkward what is expected.  A kiss on the cheek?  A handshake?  A “we’ll call you later this week.”  What is appropriate?  Crap!  Why isn’t Miss Manners here to tell me what to do.  So you opt for a quick trigger of all of them to keep all the bases covered so as to not fail expectations.  Then you get out of there.

For the first time you take a deep breath.  You survived.  You lived through it.  Now you have to figure out if you want to do it again.  Would Round 2 be appealing or is it time to walk away while you’re still ahead of the count?  If Round 2 is something you wish for then you may analyze every moment over and over for the next few days.  You consider each question and response.  You mull over each lull in conversation.  You wonder if there was anything in your teeth or did you have a bugger hanging off the end of your nose.  Did you choose the right shoes or did they convey the wrong thing about you?  Would a kitten heel have been professional and conservative or was the four inch heel you wore screaming “tramp.”  Should you have said “no room for growth” instead of “had enough of that place?”  Next time there won’t be another meeting unless enough time is given to visit the hairdresser. 

Instant replay runs on a loop until either the phone rings asking for Round 2 or enough time has passed that your wounded ego has recovered and you’re prepping for another first meeting.  While your self-confidence cements itself again you may figure out why it didn’t work and realize that the fault lay in the other party.  Either way the first meeting is followed by nerves and a bit of worry with the possibility of the side effect of loss of sleep.  This can continue indefinitely until eventually Round 2 happens and gives way to Round 3 which eventually leads to Round 10 and then eventually you reach the point where you can’t remember the last time you shaved your legs and primping is a thing of the past.  When you reach that point you hope that everything sticks because otherwise you’re starting over at Round 1 again soon and you’re out of shape and need serious training to be able to go through all that again. 

Dating & Interviewing.  I’m not really a fan of either.  They are too stressful and it takes too long to get past that “first impression” and subsequent “proving yourself” to reach that stride when the true personality comes out.  That, my friends, is the true test.  When the butterflies have permanently vacated the stomachs and the herculean efforts to be perfect have finally proved to be futile.  I’d rather take my chances that someone will like the Round 15 me from the get go than disappoint them when we get to Round 15.  Course there is no way to avoid round 1 regardless of if you are looking for a job or Prince Charming.  So until I meet Prince Charming and he comes with a gazillion dollars so I no longer have to work then I guess I’ll go through Round 1s for a while.